Thursday, March 25, 2010

second thoughts

when we have 'second thoughts' about something, our first thoughts don't seem like thoughts at all - just feelings.
Sydney J. Harris


I have those moments all the time where I am overcome with periphery thoughts that seek to challenge the ones I just had. They are those evil little seeds that often times leave me a paralyzed. For instance, after a very good date on Friday night, I found myself standing in front of the mirror the next morning and listing off reasons why dating is a terrible idea. I'm too busy. I'm going on holiday soon. Maybe this isn't the opportunity to pursue. Really?! Vanessa, what are you doing?!

I spend the afternoon at work pondering this odd hesitation that overcame me. It certainly wasn't the first time something like this has happened. I realize that I spend the majority of my time playing out hypothetical situations. Most of which never occur. Generally worst case outcomes. There's a spark but what if that isn't enough? It becomes a physical things. Worst of all, he breaks my heart. I recognize that it is impossible to know how it will all work out in the end. Taking a risk is a necessity for most things in life. And so what if it didn't pan out in the past? This is a new person.

There is only so much planning that can be done in life. Both on a daily basis and on the bigger picture level. It takes retrospect to realize that much of what we categorize as good or wonderful is spontaneous. It seems like my task now is to be comfortable with being less calculated. So in the spirit of being somewhat of a planner, my next task is to let go of all those 'second thoughts' that shade my true inclinations.

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1 comment:

bananas. said...

oh lady i not only have second thoughts, i have third, fourth and even fifth thoughts. i'm all messed up.