Saturday, January 23, 2010

Silent response

January has really kick started my year. Lots of good and bad things have happened. But more importantly, I feel like I've finally learned a few lessons that I've repeated. The most significant pertains to relationships. As you might have read before, I've been grappling with the transatlantic move of my best friend/ex-boyfriend. It has been nothing less than a fiasco as of late. Many inarticulate emails (on my part) and a long, rambling voicemail message that got me no where. Although the caring, passive side of myself is telling me that I've lost sight of what's important - maintaining the friendship - my newly acquired spinal cord says, "It's not the time to settle. You deserve better." And maybe this is true.

I've tried now on several occasions to say goodbye, to speak my peace and close this chapter for now, which is something I also don't normally do. My gut is telling me that it's time to let go, but with each muddied email reply I receive, I just don't know how to. It's probably because I have so much invested in our relationship. But I also think that I am in an awkward position of adjusting to this long distance friendship and no longer having a romantic relationship with him. Ultimately, it's this odd intersection that is responsible for a lot of my bipolar actions. I need space, and I know that. But how do I walk away from 3 and 1/2 years of history?

Usually when I'm about to undertake a project but am a bit hesitant, I say to myself, "Vanessa, all you can do is just get started. Do something. Anything." I feel a bit helpless at the moment. But what's more odd to me, is that my "do something" approach is telling me to be silent. To not respond. And maybe that's how I start to walk away.

What I do know is that with everyday I don't do something, this problem dwindles inside of me. Over the last few weeks, I've uncovered a new bit of myself. One that is stronger than I thought, and is my own best advocate. This piece of me is taking a step in a different direction and I'm not sure where I'm headed. I know that by leaving this situation, I venture into a state of uncertainty and that scares me a bit. But I think that being scared might be better than being beat down. There are times when we need to bow out of a situation. This is one of them for me, and I am proud of myself for seeing that.

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