Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Not this time

There's been a lot that I've wanted to write about in the last couple of days, but I've need time to gather the scattered bits of myself. Not only is tomorrow travel day for me, but there's been lots of goodbyes as many of my friends are now done with their undergrad degrees. Needless to say, there has just been a lot happening.

But what I want to think about today is saying goodbye. In some cases, it's temporary and I know I'll see them again. But then there are some friends whom I don't know when or if I will see them again. Saying it is such a strange thing. Some people claim not to be so good with it, but I think that they are the ones who suffer the most. They carry the heavy weight of the past with them, but manage to suppress it best only until it bubbles up again. As opposed to someone like me - the past is always present. Sometime I wish I could shed it, just to be in the present, but I've yet to figure out how to live that way.

Of course, there is one person in particular who I am thinking about. I feel that I am at one of those of pivotal moments when I need to decided to be okay with what has happened, or let go. The way he has acted lately makes me more than ready to turn away and not care, but I know that I need closure. Or something. Maybe just reconciliation. Though the last time I tried for that it was quite a failure. Regardless, I need to say goodbye so that I can move forward. It is what I most desperately need right now.

I've never experienced losing someone before, but I imagine that this is what it must feel like. You know what's coming, but you're just not sure when it will happen. So here I am, wondering how to cope. There is only one thing that I am certain of right now. This will not hold me down.

No comments: