Sunday, November 15, 2009

What about now?

As I was walking up to the bus stop tonight, I started thinking about all the sacrifices we make for personal happiness. We give up bits of ourselves because we are convinced that in the long run the pay off will be big. Whether its for work, or in your personal life, it occurs all the time. But what makes us value future happiness more than present happiness? I often think (and find) that I am so busy preparing for the future that I forget to live in the now. It's exhausting to recall the times that I could have embraced more fully. Instead I let them slip through the cracks, and carefully filed them away as the past.

What annoys me most is that I'm fully aware of what is going on, but I've yet to really do anything about it. On some level it seems like an impossible feat. I live in a society that it all about the next thing. We stress ourselves out preparing for the next thing, but never get to appreciate the fruits of our labor. I think that this trend partly comes from an innate need to control what is essentially uncontrollable - or at least create an illusion of control. For example, I've spent the last three years preparing myself to start grad school next year. I closed off all other options, and set in stone what was going to happen. Yet there are so many other possibilities for myself that I've let go undetected and have only just realized what a corner I've backed myself into. I finally experienced the true limitations that I set on myself. Now all I can ask is why? At the moment, I think I might have answered the exact opposite question I have posed.

As I wrote yesterday, my relationship is at a true intersection. I am trying to decide whether to keeping going knowing that it will end or if it's best to embrace the reality that it will end and cope with what's to come, now. After another tearful phone conversation, it has ended. All the emotions I knew would experience in December are here now. They seem to be starring at me from the foot of my bed. Quite content with their new home - my mind. Perhaps I've expedited my fate. Maybe that was a very stupid decision. This moment was supposed to be the future. Yet here is it is. And maybe that's okay. This decision was made in light of potentially creating a future for us - romantic or otherwise. So here I am in my bed, experiencing what it truly means to sacrifice a bit of my happiness.

I know that something extremely good has slipped away. Somehow I think it is important for me not to deny that our time together was literally about it end. Maybe this will be different after this break up. Maybe. Now that I know how great things could be, it's difficult to imagine going back to something not as good. However I know that it's not as good because of how sad I am. In time I will be able to remember what a good person he is and how much he means to me, just as a friend.

I hope that there will be a perfect place and time for us to be together. I hope so much that it hurts. For now I sacrifice my present happiness for the sake of my future happiness. Some good must come of this loss. Otherwise a very huge mistake has just been made.

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