Monday, November 02, 2009

In the midst my own worst nightmare

There was a time, not long ago, when I believed that being curious about the world was good thing. Never settling for explanations led me to procure many new interests and skills. I often find myself wishing I had time to pursue them all, like a retiree. I love to read fiction, and depending on the subject, academic non-fiction. I enjoy writing in all its forms. I have a creative side, which runs wild - sewing, knitting, drawing, painting, decorating, and crafts. I find that the best way to think about myself is in two distinct parts - one which is more logical and academic (?), and the other, which is more free spirited. Often times I feel these two sides of myself collide and position me at some irreconcilable intersection. This is where I currently am.

I have a lot of expectations for myself - to have a high powered career, be well-respected with in my community, and to have a positive influence on others. Lofty I know. Recently I'm beginning to find myself wondering if this is ultimately what I want. Is it good that I've sent out such strict expectations for myself? Am I setting myself up for failure? It's beginning to feel that way, though I'm not sure why, and that is extremely frustrating for me. The organized, together side of me is yanking me away from doing something other than law. God forbid that what I pursue isn't something grand like law. I can't grasp my own sarcasm. My inept way of dealing with it all is to some how deny the situation that I'm in. To put off dealing with my feelings because I simply don't know how to.

I'm sure there are a number of reasons why I'm afraid to veer off the law school path. Sense disappointment from not fulfilling a goal, not doing something "important," and worst of all disappointing my parents. I well aware of the pressure that I put on myself, and somehow this awareness has yet to release me from this state of mind. Karoline had once mentioned to me, though in a different context, that I am afraid to let myself be happy. It's possible. I don't think I equate happiness with success, and until I manage to reconfigure my outlook I might be stuck in this rut a bit longer.

To those of you who read my blog, I hope that you can learn from this delimma what I have yet too.

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