Saturday, November 14, 2009

Inevitable arrived sooner than I thought

There is trouble in my paradise. I've been in denial about it for some time. I know that he is leaving at the end of December. My future and his are both uncertain, which makes me anxious. From the moment we started dating, it was in the back of my mind. There is an expiration date on our time together. December 22. But just because that was the end of us being in the same town doesn't necessarily mean that that has to be the end of our relationship. There was so anticipation about us finally being together and we have so much left to experience. But apparently I am the only one who thinks this.

I always knew that he was much more cynical than me, but I've discovered a new depth to it. We had our most intense conversation about December yet. He firmly believes that nothing good ever emerges from a long distance relationship. What? How could anyone have such a lack of faith? Despite all the bad experiences I've had, I believe that happiness with someone else is possible. It's not always easy - even if you are in the same place - but it is possible. To say you don't want to try at all, well that just made me disappointed in him. At the same time I felt very sad for him. To be so jaded that you don't believe in the happy ending is a tragic existence. The whole conversation, as well as the one we had today, seemed so non-negotiable. He had made a decision and that was that.

So now I know dooms day is December 22. Why wait until then? I'm simply going to be melancholic and miserable until then knowing what awaits me. I don't think it would be possible for me to enjoy the time we have left together. As much as I want to be happy, my mind is telling me that maybe it's better to let go now. Because that is what he is doing.

I don't know how to make sense of all this. A month ago he was telling me that we would make it work over long distance. Now I'm hearing the opposite of that. Objectively I see only two reasons for this. 1) He's scared of taking the risk. or 2) He doesn't like me anymore and Dec 22 is his way out. I've been working under the assumption of 1, but there's nothing I can say to sway him to my side of the fence, which is why it seems plausible that it's 2. Either way it's a bunch of crap.
Why is it so difficult for people to just take that risk? I mean, we took one when we embarked on this relationship. There was always a risk of getting hurt, whether it's when we're in the same place or far apart. I don't think that is a good enough reason to walk away.

I want to fight for what I believe in. But as I raise my arm to put up a fight, the weight is too much for me to bare. I know that I can't maintain a relationship on my own. It's a two way street. Which is why I can't justify staying happy by myself until December.

What do you do when you know what's about to hit you?

I know that we experience a variety of relationships, and in time we (are supposed to) gain some enlightened knowledge. Immediately something tells me that this one is meant to burst my balloon of optimism. No sir, this girl is not giving up hope that good things can, and do, occur. This will not deter me. But what I will take away from this is that only those who believe in you the same way that you believe in yourself (and your abilities), deserve a piece of your heart.

Illegitimi non carborundum

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