If I'm not busy, I'm usually acting anxious or impatient because I want to be doing something. Relaxing has never been part of my vocabulary. This week, which was the first week of the semester, I kept myself very busy. Studying for the LSAT, going to work, studying for classes, going to my classes, meetings for work and occasionally having lunch with friend. I get a great sense of fulfillment knowing that I'm getting things done, which motivates me even more.
But there was a point during the week, I believe it was Wednesday afternoon, when I started thinking about why I keep myself busy. It's not that I stress myself out or anything, but what's the point? For starters, it keeps me preoccupied from having to deal with a lot of my problems. I'm an avoider, something that has plagued my life thus far, and constantly being busy is an excellent excuse. Terrible, I know. For example, a boy whom I was seeing earlier in the summer tried contacting me a few weeks ago. Luckily I was in my LSAT class when he called, so my phone was off. Had I not been in the middle of something, I might have felt guilty and picked up my phone. He also left me a voicemail. Considering that I don't have anything to say to him, I felt more than justified in not calling him back. I imagined it being one of those really awkward conversations that I didn't feel like having.
Perhaps a better example is how I usually throw myself into school work. As I've written about before, I experiencing a slough of emotions with regards to grad school. The admissions process is fairly uncontrollable, but I know that all I can do is work hard to do well. This was something I only realized the other day when talking to my mom. So long as I work hard, I know that I can say, if I fail, that that failure wasn't from a lack of trying. And that is a good feeling. There is nothing worse than not getting what you want, but realizing that you've wasted time or didn't do all that you could. I'm looking forward to finishing in April and being able to say, "I did all that I could and more than my best." Not only do I want that, but I need it.