Tuesday, September 01, 2009

Around 5:30 today

I'm waiting for my LSAT class to being ad the building is playing truly bad background music. I should be doing some more practice questions. But I've been feeling off my game for the last week or so. All of my friends have returned and I'm realizing how distracting it is to be social. Even though they aren't in immediate proximity to me at the moment, I'm still thinking about them. It's unfortunate. Aside from them, there is a lot competing for my attention. It makes me realize how challenging being a student and an employee really is. It's been one of those days where I'd like nothing more than to resuscitate my strength.

I've been trying to imagine myself as a successful, multitasking superwoman, hoping that the power of visualization would to the trick. Tall in stature. Confident. Sharply dressed. Witty conversationalist. Effortlessly floating from coffee dates to meetings. All things I know I could be, but today I feel tired and beat down. Something tells me that I've bit off more than I can chew.

What frustrates me is how I end up all over the map. Several days of intense focus and hard work. Another day of good intentions that just don't seem to cut it. Does this happen to everyone, or am I especially blessed? I'm breathing in slowly hoping that giving life to my problems will mobilize me to push through them.

I'm going to get a coffee.

If I can't find the strength to perserve towards my goals, then what does that say about them? Are they now what I truly want? My mind is springing into crisis mode. How sure am I about law school? What else do I want? I am breaking down because I am afraid.

Being fearless has never been part of my repetoire, and now it appears necessary. I've never been brave and suddenly I find myself in survival mode where this characteristic is going to make or break me. Now is not the time to imagine it. It's the time to do it.

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