Wednesday, August 12, 2009

I'm beginning to trust (myself) again

I started off my morning with a few new yoga poses and have ended it with a conversation with Rob about several complex issue that are preoccupying my mind. But what helped me to work a lot of them out, was our discussion about how everyone we know has changed over the last three years. He said to me that I have become less afraid about voicing my opinions. I made some joke about being less neutral, and he told me that it wasn't so much an issue of not having an opinion, but being more confident about it. So we were trying to untangle one of my boy problems, specifically what I plan on doing about it. Even though I know what I want to do, I said (several times) that I had the feeling that I was just being delusional, at which point he stopped me and said, "there! you're doing it." And sure enough I was. I have been plagued with self-doubt for a long while, and now I beginning to realize what a damper it's placed on my life. I mean there have been so many things that I have missed out on just because I was unwilling to trust myself and take that leap of faith.

I am taking many steps to prove that I am someone worth believing in, but apparently this is different that trust. So what will it take for me to trust myself? Everyone makes decisions that may not pan out the way we thought, but how can we make up for that? Of course I don't want to dwindle on things that have gone wrong in the past and I am now thinking that what is important is adding your past like a flower to the grandiose arrangement. Admire it for what is it, a beautiful object, but also think of all the flowers that create this larger design, which is also something to be proud of. Keeping this in mind, I want to be confident that I can continue to create something good. The only way to know if a new flower will work in your arrangement is to try it out.

No comments: