I've been thinking about a post from several days ago in which I divulged the truth about my selfish nature. While I certainly do not disagree with anything I've wrote, I found myself in that same pattern yesterday and the realization of what it was I was doing made me feel really awful about myself. Yesterday the boy called me and ask if I wanted to go rollerblading. I was in the thrills of researching and writing and felt that I was on such a productive streak that I didn't want to give it up. So I told him that I was pretty bogged down with work, which certainly was not a lie.
He was then sweet enough to ask if he should just come over instead, to which I said no (again).
About a half hour after I hung up the phone, I was overwhelmed with guilt. Of course I was busy, when am I not. But he is someone that I'm beginning to care about and I completely wrote him off. I feel like I'm sabotaging what might be a great relationship, and frankly I have no good reason for it. In fact, I would only blame myself if I get hurt again because so far all I have done is be unavailable.
How is it that we find ourselves deeply implicated in patterns, or ruts? Well, Karoline suggest that I probably wasn't like this before the last major relationship that I had. I can't say for sure because it's really been the only one I've ever had. Even in my high school relationships, I recall writing off my boyfriend to study on many occasions. I know that I'm intentionally distancing myself because I'm not feeling reassured about the mutual nature of my feelings. What I'm currently trying to work out, is how to communicate this to him without sounding like a complete idiot. Do I simply say that my apprehension has come from fear of being hurt? He is a really nice guy, which makes that statement seem even more unwarranted. Today when I called him to apologize, I blamed my workaholic personality, though I'm not entirely sure that makes sense. I've truly placed myself into a hole and now must get out of it.