Wednesday, January 21, 2009

the rapture of Barnes' prose

Midweek already. I feel a certain sense of foreboding about the upcoming weekend. I think that since I am going camping, there's a particular inevitability of something going wrong. Try as I might, I can't always plan for every possible scenario. It is definitely keeping me busy though.
I finished Nightwood yesterday and it was the first time in a while that upon reading the last word, I felt myself say, "I don't want it to end!" Partly because I felt so connected with one of the characters, but also because the prose was simply fantastic! It was my first Barnes novel and will not be the last. There is something so painfully realistic about her writing, as with most Modernist writers I suppose. I think what I felt most connected to was the messy portrayal of love. More than anything she seems to seek out the boundaries of what Western culture deems as "ultimate happiness" and tear them down, with no regard for gender. Her very destructive main character, Robin, suffers silently through out the novel mostly because she doesn't know what she wants and seems too afraid to find out. But along the way, she dabbles and uses so many people in her effort to find the answer to her happiness. I felt as though Barnes might have been making the statement that happiness does not come as easily as we would like it, but often times we are blind to the repercussions of our actions in trying to achieve it. Oh, I feel like I could reflect on this novel forever. Go read if you haven't already!
Unfortunately my date for tomorrow night has been postponed for a week, but I think that works out better. I'm getting ready to go camping with by Brownie unit on Friday, so needless to say I should probably be in doing work and packing tomorrow night instead. Maybe I'll also be able to enjoy it more next week knowing that I will be losing out on homework time . . .

Saturday, January 17, 2009

a quiet night in

A very busy week is over and I'm enjoying a quite Saturday night at my apartment watching "Without a Trace" with my roommate. Last night I went to Al Porte restaurant in Gastown. It was sort of our unofficial New Year's dinner, definitely a lively night. In fact in the midst of the all the exchanges of drinks and conversation, Sarah, JM and I made a deal. We decided that we were going to get a date before January 30th and the person who doesn't get a date owes the rest of us a drink. Immediately I thought that I would further pursue my pending date with Rowan. Not only would I over come my girlish fears of actually talking to him, but I would also satisfy myself knowing that the most romantic situation that's happened to me in the past couple of months. After leaving the restaurant Karoline and I headed to Aidan's birthday party at a club. Unfortunately after an hour of waiting in line in the frigid temps we decided that it just wasn't worth it and flagged down a cab. I felt bad about ditching her party but I just wasn't in the mood to put up with the crap of getting into a club. In a way I guess that's what's always deterred me from clubbing. 
So back to the dating bet. I've been working at home all day and when I finally did leave the house it was to go pick up my pottery at the studio. But I thought I would give Karoline a call to see if she was on campus. Unfortunately she wasn't, but she had surprising news for me. Her friend Tom called her earlier today and was telling her that his frat brother, Pedro, likes me and wants them to set us up. Well, I've met Pedro a couple of times before but it's only been brief and in passing. He's definitely attractive and it couldn't hurt to go out once. Karoline seemed a bit shocked when I told her that I thought he was cute. Conclusion, Thursday night I'm going on a date with Pedro. Details to follow . . .

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

keeping the focus

Today was interesting lesson in maintaining focus. I noticed that after all of yesterday's good news, I was a bit dazed about everything else. While everything that happened was great, I caught myself relaxing a bit and taking a "break." Unfortunately this is like the least ideal time to take a mental vacation. In fact, this is the time for me to put my game face on and keep trucking. I think that the healthy way to take in yesterday is to realize that I'm achieving my short-term goals in works and my personal life, but they have not pushed me closer to academic goals nor have they helped me immediately attain the big picture. Therefore it's necessary to get right back to work and so that I can achieve what it is that I want out of life. Current, that is to work extremely hard this semester and get and 80% average. In the immediate future, I'd like to have a solid understanding of the English book I'm working on. It's quite baffling; Nightwood by Barnes.
I also met up with one of my friends for the first time since the new term started. We usually have bi-weekly coffee dates and besides having known each other since first arriving at UBC, we share a common goal of getting into law school. I noticed in talking to him today that he may not have the kind of attitude or outlook that I want to place myself in proximity to. Mark Twain once said, "Keep away from those who would belittle your ambition - the truly great will make you believe that you too can become great." And it's not that he doesn't believe in me persay, but he is rather pessimistic about the prospect of his achieving them. I know it might be a bit ridiculous for me to be letting someone on the outside affect my happiness, and maybe that's always been a part of the problems I've dealt with. What I do know is that it's taken me a long to to work up the momentum that I have for my goal of law school and I don't want anything jepordizing it. Needless to say, I think I might be cutting back my face time with him.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Stellar Day

For once I find myself without words to describe the day that I had. I've been thinking a lot about how optimistic I have been since the onset of the new year, and I think that today might help justify my happiness. For starters, my friend and I were walking from our American Lit class to grab a coffee and as we approached the aquatic centre, I began to see a familiar face. It was Rowan, the law school boy from December. Granted I had come to terms with fate not being in my corner on this one, but I must say I was bubbling over with excitement just seeing him again. Not to mention that he recognized me as well. My friend and I finally made it to The Boulevard and had a really great conversation about everything. We had the Shakespeare class together last term and I got to know her a bit through our group project, but I'm really enjoying getting to know more people in my classes this term. It's making me feel more comfortable, but it's also nice to meet new people.
After coffee I headed over to the pottery studio, which I knew would keep my mood up. I had not been back since school started this term, and it was really wonderful to get back in there. I mostly finished up my glazing from last semester and I can't wait to see what everything looks like next week. I'm excited about doing some throwning next Tuesday as well.
I figured that work would be so-so today, but I was still floating along, re-imagining my morning and knew that it would help pull me through the rest of the day. But there was an unexpected twist. My boss came down to talk to me just before I left and we talked about a lot of the changes happening around, which him to mention that he would like me to take over as Student Coordinator for the group that I work for now! A promotion?! This has to be the cherry on top. I have to wonder if anyone has been so lucky, because it sure doesn't feel like they could top this. Though I know I'm kind of caught up in the moment so the novelty will probably wear off soon, but I'm glad to be enjoying it for now.

Friday, January 09, 2009

a new chapter begins

It's hard to believe that it is the end of the first week already. It's been fabulous so far, and I'm looking forward to the rest of 2009 being just as amazing. Today I saw an interesting turn of events with my friends. It seems as though JM and Karoline have taken center stage of the dating scene in our circle. Talking with them today at our weekly coffee date, all I could think about was how happy I am for them. I think it's wonderful that they are breaking out of their shells and venturing into the dating world.
As I was sitting there listening to Karoline bubbling over with delight as she retold the story of how the guy asked her out, I could help but think about just how happy I am, right now. As much as I would love to run into the law school boy again, being single has been the best time of my life so far. I've been able to refocus myself on the future, but more importantly have gotten to know myself better. I've always believed that fate will take it's course and lead me to happiness in the end, but now I'm starting to wonder why it has taken me so long to figure out that it is possible to be just as happy along the way. Perhaps it's because we are often jaded by the emotional ups and downs we experience as side effects from relationships, that we aren't able to grasp all the constant goods in our lives; and that is precisely what I am trying to regain sight of.

Thursday, January 08, 2009

one last reflection (from last year)

Last night I was sitting in bed after reading The House at Mirth by Wharton reflecting on my relationships of years past, well really just last year. I came to realize that I experienced the spectrum of dating extremes. I went from a committed relationship with no sex to the most casual relationship with the most uninspiring sex ever. Although I've decided to spend a while by myself, I think it is also important know what I want out of my next relationship. And that is that I want a happy medium, more specifically that I want to sleep with someone that I care about and want a more intimate connection with. That being said, I have no intention of starting something new anytime soon. In fact, I've really enjoyed the last month and a bit being single. I've re-focused myself and everything that I'm working towards has become much more clear, and, within my reach.
My dad recently told me that, "good things rarely happen by accident." If this is true, then it's in my power to not only ensure that I get into law school, but also get what I want out of a relationship.

Sunday, January 04, 2009

2009 is here

Well another year is here and I couldn't be happier. I don't think I've ever been happier to put a year behind me. And now I'm back in Vancouver and ready to start new. Classes start tomorrow and I'm excited about all the new material. I'm taking an American literature class and Photography. My Art History class is moving into Roman art, which is equally exciting. Anyways I'm looking forward to kicking ass and taking names this term. The only thing I'm not excited about is all of the snow in Vancouver. I wish it would not be so wintery here, but I was thinking about it today and now that I've made it through a couple of winters here I feel like I might be able to brave the east coast weather. Maybe this will open up more options for me in applying to law schools.
Above all I think I'm looking to find some inner balance, and showing myself unconditional love, and not in a vain way. I guess that I'm just looking to learn how to take better care of myself this year. So here I go.