Thursday, December 04, 2008

"Too often the one thing we want the most is the thing we can't have"

The killing sensation of desire seems to be applicable to many things in my life. For example the Chanel bag that I've been vying for for so long. The shoes I plan on buying myself for Christmas. Harboring other people's secrets. And even a potential friendship with Rob. Maybe there's some sort of cosmic power just looking out for our best interest, trying to let us see what's not meant to be. Just like the last few times I've spoke with Rob, it just doesn't feel right. Even though my mind keeps trying to tell me that things are going to back to the way they were, I'm starting to realize that maybe that's not the best way for them to be. But sometimes we're stubborn enough that we try to force the fit. This time, I think I've recognized what's not meant to be before I get in over my head. I don't know. I don't have the answers these days. Though I do think that knowing that I'm the only person I can take care of, makes me more in tune to look out for the bumps in the road. Maybe one day I'll be all-knowing and will know exactly what to do in every situation. It's unlikely but I can certainly hope, right? Although life would be boring if I always knew what to do, all the time. Plus I think everyone would get annoyed with me very quickly. I feel that I'm lucky in the sense that I remotely know what I want out of life; law school, etc. I think not knowing what you desire is sometime even more difficult. Those people are often the ones who suffer the most. Even in my romantic life it's not like I don't know what I want, I definitely do. Now it's just a question of finding it.

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