Sunday, December 21, 2008

Vogue & Anne Hathaway = Good Advice??

I picked up the January issue of Vogue today for the Anne Hathaway interview. It was much more insightful than I had imagined it would be. She said something really interesting about her recently break-up. "It's a complicated situation that had the ability to define me in ways I'm not comfortable with." What resonated with me was the way in which it speaks to my situation with Rob. The situation was literally taking over my life and consumed me to the point that it was me. And while I'm still not sure how I feel about it, I do know that in the moment it made me angry. But at the end of the day, it is Rob's problem, which does not make it mine.
It's interesting just how impressionable we are. I hope that it's something that I can work on and change about myself. In fact, my loyalty and caring nature are my more defining qualities. While I'm not suggesting that I'm going to give up caring all together, I think I just need to be able to know when to pull back from the situation.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

parents

I had really interesting conversation with my mom today. We were in the car driving into town and we were talking about family and our relationships with them, more specifically grandparents. She was saying that we probably are closer with her parents because because they had better childhoods and were very close with their families. So we were talking about John Walsh, from the TV show "America's Most Wanted," who my mom recently saw in an interview and he was talking about why he wanted to be a dad, and he said that it was because he had a world-class dad. So I turned to my mom and asked her if she had world-class parents, which was a mistake because she started tearing up and said, "my parents are great."
It got me thinking about my parents. As much as we have our differences from time to time, they are truly wonderful and I could not have asked for a better childhood. I've done so much and been so many places, but more than that, I've been (and am) loved.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

life in the country

I went riding today. It was the first time in about a year that I've been and it was just as good as I remembered it. I love loping my horse, it's the most freeing feeling that I've ever experienced. It's something that I only wish I could begin to describe. The closest I can come is running in the rain. It's so invigorating and brings me back to life. It makes me sad that I can't always be with my horses but I know that the little girl who is riding them now, is enjoying them as much as I do which makes me really happy. It's a nice feeling knowing that Clyde and Aces can bring that kind of happiness to others. I guess it also makes me feel less selfish.
I got one of my marks today. It was good, but I still felt a bit disappointed in myself. I think, in fact I know, that I could have pushed myself harder this past term. I don't want to be thinking this at the end of next semester too, which is why I am going to worker harder than I ever have before to make sure that I don't have regrets about my academic life. The best thing that I can do for myself is to do the best work I can to keep as many doors open as possible. It's also a much more satisfying feeling to know that I have not settled and never will.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Back home

My time at home has been enjoyable so far I guess. Things seems different here than I remembered. I think part of it is my dad being back in school. He is still writing papers and since he's such a hard worker I know he's probably putting a lot of pressure on himself. It's almost made me distance myself from him in a way, well partly because he was awfully critical of my final art piece from this past semester. He, more or less, called my conceptual ideas behind the piece farcical and unfounded. But I was thinking about it and I have very strong convictions about the subject matter of my art piece and firmly believe in what I made, and so I can't let someone else try to undermine them. Let alone all of my hard work on it. I think it has been a good lesson in learning how to stand my ground and more importantly, on how to take pride in something that I've done. His opposing attitudes actually make me want to work harder to prove him wrong. Maybe regaining my competitive side wouldn't be such a bad thing, in fact I think it will help push me through my studies this coming semester.
On a better note however, mom and I went shopping today. The mall was relatively quite, but then again it is a Tuesday. It was strange how friendly all of the sales people were. So helpful. They aren't usually like that at every store you go to. I guess it's probably a reflection of their need to increase sales this year. I certainly embrace the better service and all the sales! I can't imagine that the sales will get any better after Christmas, but it would be great if they did.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Same Problems, Different Locations

On my flight back home today, I actually managed to befriend the guy who was sitting next to me. He was from Italy and on vacation. We talked for a while, he seemed really nice. Anyways at one point he turns to me and says, "you know it's quite funny how I ended up on vacation in San Francisco." Apparently it was originally a trip he was planning on taking with his ex-girlfriend who loves San Francisco but they broke up and he still had the ticket. And that he had another friend who was relocating to San Francisco so they planned their trips overlap. We talked mostly about traveling, especially about traveling by yourself and how different it is. He was telling me that the best part about the trip was the time way from home. There's a very different sense of awareness that comes from leaving where you're from and going somewhere else. I think that is what I have been experiencing in Canada. I think that it has been the most learning and reflecting that I've ever done about myself and it's an experience that I would not trade for the world. Back to the conversation. So I told him that it was kind of ironic because I was thoroughly looking forward to going home after the unfolding of my last break up. It's interesting that strangers meet randomly, only to discover that they are engaged in the same problems. I often wonder that if I talked to more people that I don't know, say around campus, if the same thing would be true. Well I suppose by default that since we're all students, we're bound to be having the same problems. Anyways the point is, that if we are all sharing very similar realities, then why do we act like we are all so different?

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Wrapping up another year in Vancouver

And so the saga continued yesterday. He finally came over to talk to me, in fact he even sat at my table. Right after he sat down, he said to me, "This is really silly, but I don't even know your name." Finally!!! So his name is Rowan. The chat that we had was a bit awkward, mostly because I just didn't know what to say and I was trying to avoid turning into my chatty, freak self. As adorable as he is, there is one slight problem in this situation. We didn't actually exchange phone numbers, which makes it difficult for me to see him again. I can already say that during the first week back at school I will probably be spending inappropriate amounts of time (and money) at the Boulevard just to increase my chances of "running into him" again. I really do want to get to know him, and he seems to want to get to know me, so why not? I was considering the possibility of adding him on facebook, but that is fundamentally against everything I believe in. I'm not a coward or a stalker, and thus I will patiently wait until I see him again. And in the event that I never see him again, it won't be entirely tragic.
Anyhow, last night was Karoline's birthday party. It was a bit underwhelming. I think we were all just so tired that the energy level was a bit low. None the less, I think it was a good way to end a very, um, bizarre term. But things are going to be even better for me since I'm going home tomorrow. It's going to be well needed time and space away from university.
The question that I've been thinking a lot about recently is when did sexual orientation became the buzz amongst my group. Maybe it's always been an underlying issue but lately it is all we seem to talk about these days. Sure, I guess it's a relevant topic, but is it really anyone else's business? I'm very quickly coming to the conclusion that it is in fact not. More ironically though is the way that it seems to be complicating my life. I don't know why I'm letting it get in the way of my happiness. As much as that may seem selfish, I know what my orientation is, and in my mind that's where the line in the conversation should be drawn. There's nothing further for me to sort out and I think that I'm complicating my own life by trying to accept other people's decisions and trying to be supportive to the wrong people. It's funny, sexual orientation never used to be a big deal in my mind, but suddenly it seems to be blown out of proportion several times over. Anyways, I'm sincerely hoping that I can get back to my original mind set of accepting everyone's decisions and carrying on with my life, without thinking twice about.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

here it goes

Oh such an exciting week! So after meeting the law boys on Monday, I saw them again on Tuesday and worked up the nerve to talk to one of them. It was a bit of an awkward conversation and we just talked briefly about exams. He did, however, wave to me as they were leaving. Unfortunately they didn't go to the Boulevard on Wednesday, but today my faith was restored and just only the one that I had talked to the other day showed up. He appropriated situated himself diagonally across the coffee shop from me. So we smiled coyly at each other and we didn't speak at first, but then as he was leaving he came up to me. It was . . . cute (?), I don't know. He asked me how studying was going, and then if I was going to be there again tomorrow studying. Ahhhhh! So exciting! I wasn't actually planning on being there tomorrow, but now I am definitely changing my plans so that I might have a chance to actually talk to him once again. And tomorrow, I will definitely be introducing myself since I've failed to do that the past couple of times. I think he must be interested, right? I mean no one continuously talks to a total stranger for no reason and then says "see you tomorrow." That's what that means right? Who knows. All that matters is that he's adorable and I would like to get to know him.
Tomorrow is also my last exam, yay! I'm definitely feeling good about. I've studied very hard this past week and I'm even more glad that it will be over this time tomorrow. I'm also looking forward to Karoline's party after my exam!! And in three days I will be back in California!

Monday, December 08, 2008

Coffee shop mondays

It's Monday, again, but this week is seemingly different. It's my last week in Vancouver for 2008 for starters. But I also had an encounter this morning that turned things around for me. I got to the Boulevard around 9 to begin revision for English. It was quite busy considering how early is was. So I got my cup of coffee just like always and took a seat close to the doors. It was slightly cold there but it kept me alert. Alert enough to notice to two men who sat next to me. Even though I had my ear plugs in I could still hear them talking about property law (law students, such a bonus). Anyways, it kept me focused on my work because I didn't want to seem like I was paying more attention to them until the guy sitting opposite me said, "I wish I was studying Shakespeare." And I immediately jumped into the conversation. So we chatted briefly about English and then I asked if they were in law and I told them that I was studying to take the LSAT soon. Then Karoline showed up and I talked to her instead and went back to work. She kept making awkward gestures at me, trying to point out the that guy sitting just to my right kept looking at me. As embarrassing as she might have been, it made me smile. Eventually they headed off to write an exam but not before all four of us talked again. They seemed like genuinely nice guys. The kind of guys that I would want to date. It was definitely a good pick-me-up. And I was especially proud of myself for not being awkward or shy! However about an hour after they left, I realized that I totally blanked on actually introducing myself. Next time, next time. Regardless, this was a big step in the right direction for me and hopefully something that will become recurrent in my life.

Sunday, December 07, 2008

Shakespeare got under my skin

"This is the monstrosity in love, lady - that the will is infinite and the execution confined; that the desire is boundless and the act as slave to limit." (3.2.75-78) Shakespeare Troilus and Cressida

I love this quote. There is something so perfect about what it encapsulates. The story of Troilus and Cressida is probably one of the lesser known Shakespeare's, but I've grown to love it for the qualities that are very much like post-modernism like Tom Stoppard. It's almost like a more cynical and darker version of Romeo and Juliet. This quote comes from when they finally confess their love to each other and are about to sleep together before Troilus goes off to war. They are both fearful to let down their guards, especially if it leads them to be irrational. For Cressida, it seems as though carrying out her feelings is almost too girlie for her to handle, or something. And thus Troilus says the above line. But what I love about it, is that all of these things are so horribly true. One's will, when in love, is infinite. No obstacle is too big for it to overcome, and the greed to get what we want often leads us to cause a lot of external damage along the way. When we are burned by love, we often cut off our ties to the outside world and deal with our feelings in private. Internalizing every last bit of them until we are numb. Desire is of course what directs the will, thus they correlate in their uncontrollable nature. But the last phrase is the one that I think is the most important. The act, which refers to sex, is most definitely limiting. It often cripples our judgment because of the physical desires we would fulfill as a trade off to satisfying our emotional well-being. I think that it also limits by tying us to another human being, in a literal and emotional level. That intimacy is something that can't be over looked. It's what defines the act. And no matter what many people my age go around saying about sex, I'm convinced that it's all a bunch of BS. And those who do go around depriving themselves of emotional attachment are only setting themselves up for emptiness which is less fulfilling that the physical joy they desired.

Friday, December 05, 2008

change is in the forecast

As I'm spending more time analyzing Shakespeare and preparing for the exam, I find myself become more fond of the plays that we read. I guess what I'm most drawn to is the complexity of his seemingly simple characters, especially the female characters. There's something so charming, and realistic (?) about them that is suddenly keeping my attention. In a way I suppose they very much mimic the people around me. Maybe we are all just performing an identity after all. How disappointing is that?
I spent the afternoon shopping with JM. It felt just like old times, when the pair of us were much more carefree and disconcerted with school work. It made me nostalgic. But more importantly, I'm happy to say that I feel like my friendship with him has only blossomed into something indescribably great. I think my relationships with close friends and family, which are nearly indistinguishable, are what keeps me balanced through all the chaos that life throws my way. Knowing that they will always be a part of my life is comforting. But knowing that we are all growing together, is even better. That I am not the only one coping with being an adult.
I think the best part about where I am in my life right now, which is in the middle of nowhere, is that I have a chance to find new dreams for myself. To grow a little more into the person that I want to be. And I'm thoroughly looking forward to the New Year and the new school term when I'll have a chance to realize these dreams. In this moment I'd have to say that my dreams are mostly centered around my success in academics over the next year and a half. I have the LSAT coming up, which will more or less determine my future in law. I know I can do well on it, and especially since I've turned my grades around so much I would hate to see all of my hard work go to waste. I think my other hope for the New Year is to become really comfortable with who I am, and accepting that that doesn't mean settling for who I am now, but just not being so uneasy and self-conscious all the time. This is probably a more difficult undertaking than getting into law school, but I think that its best thing that could happen to me. It will make it easier for me to slip into this new phase of my life; where I embrace being 20 and fabulous and stop acting like I'm middle aged.

Thursday, December 04, 2008

"Too often the one thing we want the most is the thing we can't have"

The killing sensation of desire seems to be applicable to many things in my life. For example the Chanel bag that I've been vying for for so long. The shoes I plan on buying myself for Christmas. Harboring other people's secrets. And even a potential friendship with Rob. Maybe there's some sort of cosmic power just looking out for our best interest, trying to let us see what's not meant to be. Just like the last few times I've spoke with Rob, it just doesn't feel right. Even though my mind keeps trying to tell me that things are going to back to the way they were, I'm starting to realize that maybe that's not the best way for them to be. But sometimes we're stubborn enough that we try to force the fit. This time, I think I've recognized what's not meant to be before I get in over my head. I don't know. I don't have the answers these days. Though I do think that knowing that I'm the only person I can take care of, makes me more in tune to look out for the bumps in the road. Maybe one day I'll be all-knowing and will know exactly what to do in every situation. It's unlikely but I can certainly hope, right? Although life would be boring if I always knew what to do, all the time. Plus I think everyone would get annoyed with me very quickly. I feel that I'm lucky in the sense that I remotely know what I want out of life; law school, etc. I think not knowing what you desire is sometime even more difficult. Those people are often the ones who suffer the most. Even in my romantic life it's not like I don't know what I want, I definitely do. Now it's just a question of finding it.

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

accepting what was inevitable

One final down, and one more to go. I'm actually quite motivated to study for english next Friday now that I know I can get an A in that class. My plan is to ease back into it, and study for about 3 to 4 hours a day until next Tuesday and then kick up the intensity a notch or two. I know that I have to make my limited study time count though and not mess around. And I think that since I'll have so much time, I would feel really guilty not doing well on it.
I've also come to realize several things in the past few days that have been immensely useful to me. All of the dishonesty and shadiness on Rob's end of things makes me less inclined to trust him. He doesn't at all embody the things that I value in a friendship, and now I'm wondering why I'm even wasting my time on it. Whether or not I'm ready to admit it, it's definitely time for me to move on. I guess my problem now is that I've never been this free in a very long time and I'm just feeling a little lost as to what I should be doing. Thus being friends with Rob presents itself as a safety net and ultimately is what will hinder me from moving on. I need to be my own best friend for a while and leave behind the pieces that I think I value. As scary as it may seem, I have so many people in my life who will be there to help me through it. People who will be far better friends to me than Rob will ever be. It's time.

Monday, December 01, 2008

the interwined nature of people and places

I cooked Thanksgiving dinner for the first time ever on Saturday, alas it has gotten me behind on blogging and studying. Considering it was the first time I've ever thrown a dinner party so large and cooked a turkey, I'm thoroughly satisfied with the results. It was nice to be able to bring so many of my friends together to have a good meal and catch up on each other's lives. I loved the intimacy of it from fitting 13 people in my ridiculously small living room. Then again, it did make it feel more like my home.
Things appear to have settled down for me, though every time I think that's the case I'm taken by surprise. Anyhow, I'm spent by time doing other things like cooking to escape all of my unresolved problems. In fact that was working out very well for me until my problems came looking for me during my Girl Guide meeting. My phone rang and it was Rob. He called to apologize for bailing on me last night, though I can't say I was horribly let down by that. Nonetheless, he said he wanted to catch up on the phone, but I told him I was kind of in the middle of Brownies and he said he'd catch up with me after he was done at the gym (ie any minute now). Once again, I know I'm only creating drama for myself by agreeing to see him again. I know I'm doing it to give myself some fake hope that, perhaps, things might be normal again. Luckily there are only 13 more days until I go home and get the space that I desperately need. Such a shame that a place as big as Vancouver suddenly feels so suffocatingly small. I guess I can't really blame the place. It's the people in the place, which got me to thinking about how we fuse together our opinions of a place with the people that fill it. That somehow puts places at a disadvantage. The best example that comes to mind is LA. I've always had a bias against it because of it's filthy exterior but also because of all the celebs. I feel like they have such a negative influence over so many people and have such a fake facade about them. Anyways, for this reason I avoid LA like the plague. Maybe that's not fair, but in my mind it's somehow justified. Not that I'm beginning to feel that way about Vancouver, but I worry that the people may be driving me from the place I love so much. I guess it's time for me to stand my ground and make the choices that I've been dreading so much.