Friday, November 28, 2008

When did we all become adults, and how can we make it stop?

I finally had the conversation with Rob last night that I thought would make everything right. Except that it didn't. I asked him why he didn't tell me when we went golfing. He said he wanted to. He said he wanted to when we stood outside my apartment in late February when he broke up with me. He apologized again and again. I'm glad he did, I think I needed to hear it. But since the last time we talked and he told me that this did not factor into why we broke up, I'm less inclined to trust his motives on friendship. I just think it's out of guilt or something and I don't need a friend who is just going to be around to protect me from truths that they're keeping from me. It doesn't seem like a healthy base for a friendship.
He said the exact thing that I wanted to hear months ago and in a totally different context. "I'm willing to fight for this." Meaning that he wants to really try to be friends with me. All I could say was that, "I fought for months to be with you and then you dropped me. I just don't know if I can let you back in my life so easily." I'm at the place where I fear that keeping him in my life might cause me more harm than good. But I realized that this is one of those times when I really have to start looking out for my own best interest because that seems to be what everyone else around me is doing. What really irked me was that he keep saying, "I know this isn't going to be easy and there's probably a lot that needs to be sorted out." So I asked, "What needs to be sorted out," in the hopes that he would point me in the remote direction of a clear answer. Except that he replied, "I don't know. We'll talk again on Sunday." I think that was when I realized that there is no easy fix for this situation and that maybe the best thing that I could do, if I really love him, is to let him go. I don't think I can keep doing this to myself, where every so often we unbandage old wounds together trying to force a friendship. It really shouldn't be this hard. Or complicated I suppose.

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