Saturday, November 15, 2008

truth (and time) take pleasure in kicking our ass

I guess it was a rebound after all. I realized that I fell back into the trap of responding to social pressure about my romantic life. I knew my heart wasn't in it, but everyone kept trying to sell me the idea that it was right and my apprehension about it was my way of stalling it. Maybe I'll never actually know what it was. What I do know is that it has sent me back down the bottomless hole of hopelessly trying to get over my last ex. I can't help but think that all this time and energy I've spent on avoiding him and blocking him from my life, may have been the wasted. I know that when we were together, I thought he was the one I was meant to be with and maybe that's why I haven't been able to pull my life back together in any recognizable form. At the same time, I think I have experienced a lot of good change and have learned a lot post-break up. And now, despite my good judgment, I think I might actually be ready to talk to him. I think it will bring some resolution to my life, either in the form of being able to move on or in being with him once again. Right now I think that I desperately need one of those things, and I'm just saddened that it's taken me so long to come to terms with it, with the truth. The truth that I am not over him. Emotions are a funny thing, anger and rejection have sent me down an odd path only to realize that I felt them in response to just how much I love him. And no matter how hard I try, those feelings will never dissipate. I think that I'm at a crucial fork in the road, and before I do anything, I think that I need to be by myself for a bit and just think everything through because whatever I choose will have repercussions that need to be accounted for.

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