Sunday, November 23, 2008

No, not square one. This is different

So I finally stopped being delusional around 1:30 am this morning, but only after quite a bit of vodka. I had a really good cry. I knew I would I just wasn't sure when. I know Rob doesn't mean to hurt me, in fact I know his intentions are exactly the opposite. But, once again, he has hurt me and I feel like I can't tell him because this is all so new and it's kind of a sensitive subject. But now I feel really alienated by what he's told me. No one else whom I'm close to knows and I have no clue what to talk to them about since I'm carrying around this huge weight.
What I also feel confused about is the fact that most people aren't surprised by his revelation. They've been expecting it for a long time. And this makes me feel like a complete fool. I can't even imagine what will be said about our past relationship, it's probably going to be the butt of jokes for a while.
This is all just so much and all I want to do is go crawl under a rock and die. I, I know I should be honest with Rob but I don't even know how to tell him that once again he's cut me deep. I don't know why I can't do that to him even though he's done it to me, several times. But really, when in the hell did things get so complicated? I don't know where the beginning is so I have no idea how to pull myself out of this mess. I think that may mean that I just have to deal with it. And even then, I don't know what that means either. I don't know what any of it means! But I do know that I'm not in square one; I'm in the square I was in when Rob broke up with me. I don't know how I confused that for square one.

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