Saturday, November 22, 2008

back in square one

Even thought I'm finding myself strangely in the same place that I was in this time two years ago, there's something settling about it. Maybe things have been set right in my mind and now I'm merely at peace with myself. Who knows. Rob and I had a very intense conversation last night. He was telling me about the chaotic state that he found his life in after we broke up and how he spent a lot of time questioning aspects of his life, which led to him questioning his sexuality. I remember when he said that I felt the blood drain from my face. I wasn't hurt, it was almost a relief in someway, which is weird. But we caught up on the last eight months of each others lives, and it was really nice. I knew I had missed having him in my life, but I guess I hadn't come to terms with just how distraught his absence had left me. But there was a moment of inner peace when I realized that maybe now I have a chance of being good friends with him again and while carrying on with my life.
I now feel even worse about being so disagreeable for so many months with him because all he's wanted to talk to me about was this huge things that he has been going through. And I've been selfish enough to push back so hard that he has barely talked to anyone about it and I realize that that's what has torn apart of lot of his friendships. But I think that now he'll be able to mend a lot of them. I think, especially for JM, it will explain a lot of his behavior. I know JM has been indirectly affected by our messy break up but now it seems like there's an inkling of chance that things may be repaired. And that's a really satisfying thought.

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