Friday, November 28, 2008

When did we all become adults, and how can we make it stop?

I finally had the conversation with Rob last night that I thought would make everything right. Except that it didn't. I asked him why he didn't tell me when we went golfing. He said he wanted to. He said he wanted to when we stood outside my apartment in late February when he broke up with me. He apologized again and again. I'm glad he did, I think I needed to hear it. But since the last time we talked and he told me that this did not factor into why we broke up, I'm less inclined to trust his motives on friendship. I just think it's out of guilt or something and I don't need a friend who is just going to be around to protect me from truths that they're keeping from me. It doesn't seem like a healthy base for a friendship.
He said the exact thing that I wanted to hear months ago and in a totally different context. "I'm willing to fight for this." Meaning that he wants to really try to be friends with me. All I could say was that, "I fought for months to be with you and then you dropped me. I just don't know if I can let you back in my life so easily." I'm at the place where I fear that keeping him in my life might cause me more harm than good. But I realized that this is one of those times when I really have to start looking out for my own best interest because that seems to be what everyone else around me is doing. What really irked me was that he keep saying, "I know this isn't going to be easy and there's probably a lot that needs to be sorted out." So I asked, "What needs to be sorted out," in the hopes that he would point me in the remote direction of a clear answer. Except that he replied, "I don't know. We'll talk again on Sunday." I think that was when I realized that there is no easy fix for this situation and that maybe the best thing that I could do, if I really love him, is to let him go. I don't think I can keep doing this to myself, where every so often we unbandage old wounds together trying to force a friendship. It really shouldn't be this hard. Or complicated I suppose.

Monday, November 24, 2008

does the truth set you free?

I caved yesterday because this is so overwhelming that I could no longer bottle it up. It was not for any gossiping reasons that I would tell JM and I know that, which in my mind, was what made it okay to talk to him about everything. But apparently he already knew that Rob was gay. Apparently Sarah hinted at Habi and she guessed it and then she told JM way back in September. The funny part is is that Sarah and Rob don't know that JM knows AND Karoline has absolutely no clue what's going on. But I feel like she will truly need to hear this from Rob, though she might be hurt that none of us told her. This whole situation is so bizarre and just ridiculous that it seems like something only Hollywood screen writers could come up with. Yet it's happening to me. Right now. I have seriously never been so excited to go home. I only have to get through the next few weeks and then I'll be home and I'll have the time and distance to reflect on everything that's gone on. And that's precisely what I need.
What complicates this entire situation is the fact that I was not honest with Rob the other night. Instead I put on my supportive friend face and now I'm regretting it. There's definitely going to be a part 2 of our conversation that needs to take place asap. Mostly because I need to just be honest with Rob and sort this whole mess out before it starts affecting my school work. Though Rob telling me the truth certainly didn't set me free, in fact it only seemed to complicate everything. Especially since I still love him and his continues to giving me a glimmer of hope that I am his ideal woman. Well that doesn't exactly have meaning anymore, and I just need to accept it. Jm told me last night that the truth will set me free in this situation. Just confiding in him started to make it easier, but I think it really means telling Rob the truth. And thus probably another intense conversation. In my mind I can only hope that this makes things easier for me in the long run. In fact, I'm optimistic that when I come back in January things will be better.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

No, not square one. This is different

So I finally stopped being delusional around 1:30 am this morning, but only after quite a bit of vodka. I had a really good cry. I knew I would I just wasn't sure when. I know Rob doesn't mean to hurt me, in fact I know his intentions are exactly the opposite. But, once again, he has hurt me and I feel like I can't tell him because this is all so new and it's kind of a sensitive subject. But now I feel really alienated by what he's told me. No one else whom I'm close to knows and I have no clue what to talk to them about since I'm carrying around this huge weight.
What I also feel confused about is the fact that most people aren't surprised by his revelation. They've been expecting it for a long time. And this makes me feel like a complete fool. I can't even imagine what will be said about our past relationship, it's probably going to be the butt of jokes for a while.
This is all just so much and all I want to do is go crawl under a rock and die. I, I know I should be honest with Rob but I don't even know how to tell him that once again he's cut me deep. I don't know why I can't do that to him even though he's done it to me, several times. But really, when in the hell did things get so complicated? I don't know where the beginning is so I have no idea how to pull myself out of this mess. I think that may mean that I just have to deal with it. And even then, I don't know what that means either. I don't know what any of it means! But I do know that I'm not in square one; I'm in the square I was in when Rob broke up with me. I don't know how I confused that for square one.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

back in square one

Even thought I'm finding myself strangely in the same place that I was in this time two years ago, there's something settling about it. Maybe things have been set right in my mind and now I'm merely at peace with myself. Who knows. Rob and I had a very intense conversation last night. He was telling me about the chaotic state that he found his life in after we broke up and how he spent a lot of time questioning aspects of his life, which led to him questioning his sexuality. I remember when he said that I felt the blood drain from my face. I wasn't hurt, it was almost a relief in someway, which is weird. But we caught up on the last eight months of each others lives, and it was really nice. I knew I had missed having him in my life, but I guess I hadn't come to terms with just how distraught his absence had left me. But there was a moment of inner peace when I realized that maybe now I have a chance of being good friends with him again and while carrying on with my life.
I now feel even worse about being so disagreeable for so many months with him because all he's wanted to talk to me about was this huge things that he has been going through. And I've been selfish enough to push back so hard that he has barely talked to anyone about it and I realize that that's what has torn apart of lot of his friendships. But I think that now he'll be able to mend a lot of them. I think, especially for JM, it will explain a lot of his behavior. I know JM has been indirectly affected by our messy break up but now it seems like there's an inkling of chance that things may be repaired. And that's a really satisfying thought.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

And despite everything, I gave in

I wrote a letter to Rob last night detailing all the things that I've realized and all the things that I've wanted to say for so long. I'm actually planning on giving it to him. Probably tomorrow. I can't believe I actually did it, but now everything feels right in my mind for the first time in a very long time. Maybe this is means something more, something that I'm even a bit afraid to touch on . . . what if he's been the one that I've needed all along? If this is true, I'm going to come out looking like a complete fool. Maybe I've just needed all this time to realize it, and hopefully he has too. I guess I'll find out in a matter of days.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Unexpected Backlash

Today I had an group meeting for my English class performance, this is the group that Phil is also in. So since we parted on what I thought were mutual terms, I was completely prepared to be civil today. However when he arrived he did not even acknowledge my presence, nor did he even remotely look my direction during the entire 2 hours! I noticed that the boy had a hickey on his neck! Which means that my suspicion from several weekends ago has been confirmed. He probably has been seeing someone else. And now I feel a bit silly sleeping with him for nearly 2 months, I think I knew that it was too soon. Well I guess I've learned my lesson.
I talked to my mom about it. She said that he was probably feeling a bit awkward about it, which is why he avoided me. But she also told me that I was being a bit irrational about giving up on dating already. She reminded me that I shouldn't expect to find someone that I truly love and want to spend the rest of my life with quickly; it's often a long, and sometimes painful, process.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

truth (and time) take pleasure in kicking our ass

I guess it was a rebound after all. I realized that I fell back into the trap of responding to social pressure about my romantic life. I knew my heart wasn't in it, but everyone kept trying to sell me the idea that it was right and my apprehension about it was my way of stalling it. Maybe I'll never actually know what it was. What I do know is that it has sent me back down the bottomless hole of hopelessly trying to get over my last ex. I can't help but think that all this time and energy I've spent on avoiding him and blocking him from my life, may have been the wasted. I know that when we were together, I thought he was the one I was meant to be with and maybe that's why I haven't been able to pull my life back together in any recognizable form. At the same time, I think I have experienced a lot of good change and have learned a lot post-break up. And now, despite my good judgment, I think I might actually be ready to talk to him. I think it will bring some resolution to my life, either in the form of being able to move on or in being with him once again. Right now I think that I desperately need one of those things, and I'm just saddened that it's taken me so long to come to terms with it, with the truth. The truth that I am not over him. Emotions are a funny thing, anger and rejection have sent me down an odd path only to realize that I felt them in response to just how much I love him. And no matter how hard I try, those feelings will never dissipate. I think that I'm at a crucial fork in the road, and before I do anything, I think that I need to be by myself for a bit and just think everything through because whatever I choose will have repercussions that need to be accounted for.

Friday, November 14, 2008

And then it was over before it had even started

It's weird how people surprise you with the news you definitely weren't expecting. I had asked Phil if he wanted to hang out today, anticipating that we would finally have the talk about moving into a relationship. So we walked over to my place and we had just got inside, the door wasn't even closed yet and in the most confident and forward way he says, "so we really need to talk." and of course I was just like yes well why don't you come inside whatever. And he says, "i don't really know how to say this, but i like you but i don't really want a relationship." Okay that was totally not what I was expecting, and he continued. "we think along the same lines and we really hit it off when we first met but i'm just not sure about it now." Owch! So he left and so did my a bit of my dignity. But I guess what I've taken away from it is to be careful who I lend my heart out to. I realize that from my side, it was probably a rebound and I feel a bit liberated now. So here's to be single for a while. I think that I need to be by myself for a while.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Singin' lullabyes to my problems

It feels really good to have the majority of projects finished this semester, especially since I think that I produced some quality work. I imagine that I'll feel even better when this last English paper is turned in next Tuesday. I'm looking forward to spending some time in the studio tomorrow. I have a new piece that I want to trim. I think I'm also going to try and make at least two more shapes tomorrow. I realized that I need to up my pottery production if I'm going to be giving them to people for Christmas. I'm really glad that I took up pottery as my hobby this year. I'll be even more happy next semester when I'm taking photography and running.
So I saw the boy today for this first time since Sunday, and I really didn't have high expectations since I've not been avidly trying to contact him. We had a good chat before class, however after class he didn't hold my hand like he usually does, granted I was a bit stand off-ish. But we did kiss. Anyways I guess the reason why he's been so absent is because he had a midterm yesterday and another next week. It's clearly just an issue of us being busy people, which is sad. Although it's nice to know I haven't completely killed off this thing that's going on between us. I'm hoping that tomorrow I can talk him into hanging out for a bit. It's certainly not awkward, but it definitely needs to be cleared up.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

And things come together

I had a good chat with my dad last night. He told me that I need to find my inner blood-thirsty competitor for the next few months while I'm preparing for the LSAT. I'm not sure if that description that was meant to set me off, but it did in a way. Although I would describe myself as competitive, focused is a better word. I know what I want and it's totally feasible that I can get it. I've been working so hard in the past two years and I have so much to loose if I didn't get in to law school. I haven't been trying so hard for nothing, and I think I just need to keep that in mind as June gets closer.
What I've found most interesting about this term is that I haven't been getting things done as far in advance as I did last year, but I'm approaching them with even more determination, which is what I think explains why I have been getting relatively good marks. Right now I have 6 days until my Shakespeare essay is due, but in working things out for it this morning, I've found that it's really come together. In fact, more so than I initially thought it would. I've definitely rediscovered my love for writing and I think it will definitely show this semester. I know that next semester maybe equally challenging, but I know I'll be up for it. I'll have to work extra hard to ensure my success on the LSAT. But hey, if I somehow manage to get As in university, can a good LSAT score be that far off?

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Non-Fiction from a Past Life

Perhaps one day you'll read this. At least I hope so anyway. I feel like I'm more articulate in pen than I am in speech. I think it's because I don't have to be present while people judge me. I don't deal well with that sort of thing. I've been sitting here on the airplane to New York replaying lots of scenes in my mind, trying to feel closer to you. The ones that seem to be coming to mind most frequently are all the times we'd sit on each others beds talking about well, nothing really. Even just being there with you, I've never felt so comfortable just talking. It's like I suddenly have nothing to hide. And even if I did, there's no place that you couldn't find me. Maybe this is was its suppose to feel like; when things fall into place where they're supposed to. I tell you [ ], I've never been in my entire life a romantic in any sense of the word. But that seems to have changed for me, and I'm moving to a new chapter of my life. I love it though. I hope this fire in my eyes burns for a while longer. I'm not ready for any of this to change, though sometimes it's how things have to be. You know what else crossed my mind? How impossible it is that we ever met in the first place, let alone became such good friends. It disproves most of the things I believe about fate being impossible. maybe there's some justification to what so many believe in. But I like the mystery so I'm not going to give in just yet.
May 2007

Monday, November 10, 2008

"Words, words, words. I once had the gift of words."

I realized the other day why I love literature so much. It's because so many writers are able to say all the things that I am unable to. I don't know why it is, but I am incredibly inarticulate what it comes to speech. And yet they have crafted characters who say all the right things at all the right times in the most perfect ways. Sometimes I think my problem may be that it's in the heat of a moment and I'm just too anxious to stop and really think about what I am going to say. In most recent times, my inability to talk to Philip about what he and I are doing in the larger sense has begun to spread a sort of paralyzing chill through me. I just don't ever feel like there's a good time to spring that topic on someone without feeling completely awkward. And that maybe true for everyone and not just me. But I finally started to put the wheels in motion for the conversation to take place yesterday. I felt (and still do) a bit weird about bringing it up, but I know that's only my fear of rejection getting the best of me. I really do want to be in a relationship with him, otherwise I wouldn't have brought it up, and I think he realizes that. The good thing is is that he agreed that we should talk, however since this all took place over several text messages, I have no idea what his tone was since it could be construed in many different ways.

Thursday, November 06, 2008

Theatre invading life. Or is it the other way around?

Shockingly enough my art history paper is coming together in it's outline form much better than I had imagined. I know that I have a lot of work ahead of me this weekend, but I feel a little bit less stressed about it knowing that thus far it's going well. I also have to get a move on my Shakespeare paper. We started discussing "Cymbeline" today. It's actually capturing my imagination much more than the others this term. I love the complexity of the relationships between his characters in the late plays. I think that in plays like "Romeo and Juliet" and "Much Ado About Nothing" I found myself very annoyed with the superficial, synthetic nature of the characters' relationships; they didn't seem real enough to me and were oddly theatrical.
Along the lines of the theatrical, I've some how turned into a coward and a drama queen with Phil. I think it's my passive aggressive nature that has led me to that combination. Anyways it's made me realize that, more than ever, I need to solidify things with the boy. I realize that I'm a bit afraid of getting hurt which is why I've stayed in this limbo state for so long, but I think it's time for moi to toughen up and get my act together. I think that having some resolve to the situation will give me some piece of mind, or at least enough so that I'm not fretting over it.

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

Reflection on the Election

It's very surprising to me that the California voters shot down so many of the billion dollar bond propositions on the ballot yesterday. For a state that notoriously spends, I think it indicates a real change in mind set. I think that it may have come from them finally making a connection that the government pulls that money for projects like a $19.2 billion high speed train from the residents' pockets. Sadly, I think, that for so long people assumed the government was magically coming up with money. But in this time of economic hardship, people are more conscientious of their own spending habits as well as the government's. It makes me a bit more optimistic that California still has hope to be a conservative state.
I think that I was most surprised that the majority of people voted yes on proposition 8. This essentially defines marriage as between a man and a woman, and will not recognized homosexual marriages. I thought for sure everyone would vote no on that on. Although I have yet to look up the statics of the turn out, I'm sure it was low, even in such a hyped election. But maybe it was because of that hype that it drew out a slightly different demographic. I voted, and that's what's most important to me.

Monday, November 03, 2008

Oh English

I'm back in the zen of essay writing. It's taken me a lot longer than usual, but it's nice to be so comfortable writing again. My essay on William Wordsworth has shaped up better than I first thought it would. Although I'm still in a bit of rut with the essay that I have to write for my Shakespeare class. I guess I just haven't felt inspired yet. Even though that class is less than stimulating, I'm finding it hard to believe that even on my own merit, I haven't felt a good connection to the lecture topics. I'm usually fascinated by the concept of constructing identity, it's something I could read about for days because of the complexity of it, but none of the Shakespeare's that we've read have drawn me into that topic. I am however immensely looking forward to composing my essay on Coleridge's "Rime of the Ancient Mariner." It's definitely top five on my list of all time favorite pieces of literature.

Saturday, November 01, 2008

Real or Rebound?

I'm in the midst of a crisis at the moment. I'm feeling stuck in this in between state of being over someone and moving on. And I think what's keeping me here is that I'm afraid that in choosing one or the other, I'll will choose the wrong thing and regret it forever. This all started because I was talking with a coworker last week about my ex and she happened to say, "how funny would it be if he was the one?" And sure she said it in a joking manner, but it's planted a seed of doubt in my mind about solidifying things with the guy that I have been dating for about 2 months. We haven't had "the talk" yet and now I'm a bit hesitant about it. I think it maybe that I want to make sure that I do want to be with him, and I really want to be. So much. But my intuition about it is different somehow from the last time I got involved with someone. It was like everything fell into place perfectly, and this time it seems like I have to shape things a bit more. I don't think I would go as far to say that I'm trying to convince myself that I like this guy. But I guess I'm just trying to reconcile how romantic relationship take so many different forms in their early stages. Plus I also feel like I keep comparing this time to the last, which isn't fair because they're completely different people. So I guess my question of crisis is: How do you know the difference between something real and a rebound?
I think that perhaps rebound relationships are more lustful and purely physical. And usually driven by a vengeful desire to be the first to move on. I guess I've never had a true rebound. I tend to try to work things out on my own and for a very long time. Like a friend told me, if this new boy is a rebound, it may be the longest rebound relationship in history. I don't think it is because I really do like him, but don't have any way of make sure this isn't some well played out illusion in my mind.