Tuesday, March 18, 2008

this space is intentionally left blank.

I am beyond perplexed by the repercussions following my most recent break up. My roommates, whom I thought I was good friends with, sat me down tonight to say that they don't want to live together anymore because they value their friendship with my ex more. This is just fantastic news. I'm now down 3 friends over a break up. I'm not sure why they feel obligated to choose sides in the first place. But I guess that this break has been good for is finding out who my real friends actually are; a dwindling number at best. Regardless, it's makes me a bit angry to think that they have merely been performing the role of a friend for a months now, only because we live together. Even more absurd than that though is the fact that they tried to tell me that we'd all be better friends if we didn't live together. Now THAT I know for a fact is such bs, because those two would probably barely make an effort to see me, let alone be my friends. I feel the only thing the break up has done is set me on a path of perpetual alienation from people whom I thought cared about me the way that I care about them.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

no more

How is it possible that I still want to be with someone who has literally chosen everything else over me? I'm simply at a loss as to how this can even be feasible since I generally consider myself to be a rational person. And I'm totally not buying old cliches about how the heart has mysterious ways. I really want to move on. But every time I think about the situation in retrospect (which is often) some other revelation comes to mind and I get even more caught up in it. I just want to not be sad anymore. To not cry every other day. Why is it so hard to move on? What's even more confusing is that I'm not sure whether to be playing the part of victim or the cause. I keep trying to come up with ways to distract myself and to get my life back on track. I broke down and bought Vogue earlier this week. I figured that since fashion is one of my main interests, but even the spring addition couldn't pull me out of the hole that I'm in. I've never felt like this before and I never want to again. Being in love simply means being vulnerable. And I am not vulnerable anymore.

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

Focus to see the light in the dark

Emotions are complicated. Even in retrospect I'm not sure I am able to make sense of any of it. I think it's because so much of what was said and done and how I feel now all seem to clash, and as much as I think the Big Bang theory is plausible, it just doesn't seem to be making anything coherent at the moment.
On the upside, the weather's been fabulous enough for me to start running again and that makes me infinitely happy! I also had a good chat with my English prof earlier in the week. I don't think I've ever had someone believe in me the way she does. It makes me want to work extra hard in her course this term to give her a reason to know that she's right about me. This is definitely a new level of confidence to know that I can do whatever I apply myself to. I guess the tricky part is the application. Though I do truly enjoy the process of writing and I think this will be a fantastic chance to embrace this.

Saturday, March 01, 2008

Another week finished

So far it's been a good weekend. I've done a fair amount of work, though I still have a lot more to go. At least I have found some time to relax. I started running again last week. It's been a lot of fun mixing up my running routes and exploring the outer areas of the campus. Keeping things fresh I guess. Jm and I were suppose to do dinner tonight but he had family stuff. So here I am on a Saturday night, sitting at my computer reflecting on the week . . . good times! I've been trying even harder with my english course. I know how important getting good marks is this term and the past few weeks have been rough, but I finally feel like I've got it together and have my true priorities in order. Yay for me. I'm also planning a weekend at home in about 3 weeks, which is good incentive to be working hard right now on all my assignments so that I can actually relax when I'm there. I think in the past few weeks I've come to realize just how important family is, especially since I don't exactly have one here any more. It's been a bit lonely but they've really been here for me; they are always so supportive. Too often I take them for granted but that's changing now too, just like everything else has. You know I think sometimes change happens because it's something that we need to do so desperately but are too hesitant. Perhaps it's better to just jump in feet first and embrace whatever comes at you.