Sunday, December 21, 2008

Vogue & Anne Hathaway = Good Advice??

I picked up the January issue of Vogue today for the Anne Hathaway interview. It was much more insightful than I had imagined it would be. She said something really interesting about her recently break-up. "It's a complicated situation that had the ability to define me in ways I'm not comfortable with." What resonated with me was the way in which it speaks to my situation with Rob. The situation was literally taking over my life and consumed me to the point that it was me. And while I'm still not sure how I feel about it, I do know that in the moment it made me angry. But at the end of the day, it is Rob's problem, which does not make it mine.
It's interesting just how impressionable we are. I hope that it's something that I can work on and change about myself. In fact, my loyalty and caring nature are my more defining qualities. While I'm not suggesting that I'm going to give up caring all together, I think I just need to be able to know when to pull back from the situation.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

parents

I had really interesting conversation with my mom today. We were in the car driving into town and we were talking about family and our relationships with them, more specifically grandparents. She was saying that we probably are closer with her parents because because they had better childhoods and were very close with their families. So we were talking about John Walsh, from the TV show "America's Most Wanted," who my mom recently saw in an interview and he was talking about why he wanted to be a dad, and he said that it was because he had a world-class dad. So I turned to my mom and asked her if she had world-class parents, which was a mistake because she started tearing up and said, "my parents are great."
It got me thinking about my parents. As much as we have our differences from time to time, they are truly wonderful and I could not have asked for a better childhood. I've done so much and been so many places, but more than that, I've been (and am) loved.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

life in the country

I went riding today. It was the first time in about a year that I've been and it was just as good as I remembered it. I love loping my horse, it's the most freeing feeling that I've ever experienced. It's something that I only wish I could begin to describe. The closest I can come is running in the rain. It's so invigorating and brings me back to life. It makes me sad that I can't always be with my horses but I know that the little girl who is riding them now, is enjoying them as much as I do which makes me really happy. It's a nice feeling knowing that Clyde and Aces can bring that kind of happiness to others. I guess it also makes me feel less selfish.
I got one of my marks today. It was good, but I still felt a bit disappointed in myself. I think, in fact I know, that I could have pushed myself harder this past term. I don't want to be thinking this at the end of next semester too, which is why I am going to worker harder than I ever have before to make sure that I don't have regrets about my academic life. The best thing that I can do for myself is to do the best work I can to keep as many doors open as possible. It's also a much more satisfying feeling to know that I have not settled and never will.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Back home

My time at home has been enjoyable so far I guess. Things seems different here than I remembered. I think part of it is my dad being back in school. He is still writing papers and since he's such a hard worker I know he's probably putting a lot of pressure on himself. It's almost made me distance myself from him in a way, well partly because he was awfully critical of my final art piece from this past semester. He, more or less, called my conceptual ideas behind the piece farcical and unfounded. But I was thinking about it and I have very strong convictions about the subject matter of my art piece and firmly believe in what I made, and so I can't let someone else try to undermine them. Let alone all of my hard work on it. I think it has been a good lesson in learning how to stand my ground and more importantly, on how to take pride in something that I've done. His opposing attitudes actually make me want to work harder to prove him wrong. Maybe regaining my competitive side wouldn't be such a bad thing, in fact I think it will help push me through my studies this coming semester.
On a better note however, mom and I went shopping today. The mall was relatively quite, but then again it is a Tuesday. It was strange how friendly all of the sales people were. So helpful. They aren't usually like that at every store you go to. I guess it's probably a reflection of their need to increase sales this year. I certainly embrace the better service and all the sales! I can't imagine that the sales will get any better after Christmas, but it would be great if they did.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Same Problems, Different Locations

On my flight back home today, I actually managed to befriend the guy who was sitting next to me. He was from Italy and on vacation. We talked for a while, he seemed really nice. Anyways at one point he turns to me and says, "you know it's quite funny how I ended up on vacation in San Francisco." Apparently it was originally a trip he was planning on taking with his ex-girlfriend who loves San Francisco but they broke up and he still had the ticket. And that he had another friend who was relocating to San Francisco so they planned their trips overlap. We talked mostly about traveling, especially about traveling by yourself and how different it is. He was telling me that the best part about the trip was the time way from home. There's a very different sense of awareness that comes from leaving where you're from and going somewhere else. I think that is what I have been experiencing in Canada. I think that it has been the most learning and reflecting that I've ever done about myself and it's an experience that I would not trade for the world. Back to the conversation. So I told him that it was kind of ironic because I was thoroughly looking forward to going home after the unfolding of my last break up. It's interesting that strangers meet randomly, only to discover that they are engaged in the same problems. I often wonder that if I talked to more people that I don't know, say around campus, if the same thing would be true. Well I suppose by default that since we're all students, we're bound to be having the same problems. Anyways the point is, that if we are all sharing very similar realities, then why do we act like we are all so different?

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Wrapping up another year in Vancouver

And so the saga continued yesterday. He finally came over to talk to me, in fact he even sat at my table. Right after he sat down, he said to me, "This is really silly, but I don't even know your name." Finally!!! So his name is Rowan. The chat that we had was a bit awkward, mostly because I just didn't know what to say and I was trying to avoid turning into my chatty, freak self. As adorable as he is, there is one slight problem in this situation. We didn't actually exchange phone numbers, which makes it difficult for me to see him again. I can already say that during the first week back at school I will probably be spending inappropriate amounts of time (and money) at the Boulevard just to increase my chances of "running into him" again. I really do want to get to know him, and he seems to want to get to know me, so why not? I was considering the possibility of adding him on facebook, but that is fundamentally against everything I believe in. I'm not a coward or a stalker, and thus I will patiently wait until I see him again. And in the event that I never see him again, it won't be entirely tragic.
Anyhow, last night was Karoline's birthday party. It was a bit underwhelming. I think we were all just so tired that the energy level was a bit low. None the less, I think it was a good way to end a very, um, bizarre term. But things are going to be even better for me since I'm going home tomorrow. It's going to be well needed time and space away from university.
The question that I've been thinking a lot about recently is when did sexual orientation became the buzz amongst my group. Maybe it's always been an underlying issue but lately it is all we seem to talk about these days. Sure, I guess it's a relevant topic, but is it really anyone else's business? I'm very quickly coming to the conclusion that it is in fact not. More ironically though is the way that it seems to be complicating my life. I don't know why I'm letting it get in the way of my happiness. As much as that may seem selfish, I know what my orientation is, and in my mind that's where the line in the conversation should be drawn. There's nothing further for me to sort out and I think that I'm complicating my own life by trying to accept other people's decisions and trying to be supportive to the wrong people. It's funny, sexual orientation never used to be a big deal in my mind, but suddenly it seems to be blown out of proportion several times over. Anyways, I'm sincerely hoping that I can get back to my original mind set of accepting everyone's decisions and carrying on with my life, without thinking twice about.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

here it goes

Oh such an exciting week! So after meeting the law boys on Monday, I saw them again on Tuesday and worked up the nerve to talk to one of them. It was a bit of an awkward conversation and we just talked briefly about exams. He did, however, wave to me as they were leaving. Unfortunately they didn't go to the Boulevard on Wednesday, but today my faith was restored and just only the one that I had talked to the other day showed up. He appropriated situated himself diagonally across the coffee shop from me. So we smiled coyly at each other and we didn't speak at first, but then as he was leaving he came up to me. It was . . . cute (?), I don't know. He asked me how studying was going, and then if I was going to be there again tomorrow studying. Ahhhhh! So exciting! I wasn't actually planning on being there tomorrow, but now I am definitely changing my plans so that I might have a chance to actually talk to him once again. And tomorrow, I will definitely be introducing myself since I've failed to do that the past couple of times. I think he must be interested, right? I mean no one continuously talks to a total stranger for no reason and then says "see you tomorrow." That's what that means right? Who knows. All that matters is that he's adorable and I would like to get to know him.
Tomorrow is also my last exam, yay! I'm definitely feeling good about. I've studied very hard this past week and I'm even more glad that it will be over this time tomorrow. I'm also looking forward to Karoline's party after my exam!! And in three days I will be back in California!

Monday, December 08, 2008

Coffee shop mondays

It's Monday, again, but this week is seemingly different. It's my last week in Vancouver for 2008 for starters. But I also had an encounter this morning that turned things around for me. I got to the Boulevard around 9 to begin revision for English. It was quite busy considering how early is was. So I got my cup of coffee just like always and took a seat close to the doors. It was slightly cold there but it kept me alert. Alert enough to notice to two men who sat next to me. Even though I had my ear plugs in I could still hear them talking about property law (law students, such a bonus). Anyways, it kept me focused on my work because I didn't want to seem like I was paying more attention to them until the guy sitting opposite me said, "I wish I was studying Shakespeare." And I immediately jumped into the conversation. So we chatted briefly about English and then I asked if they were in law and I told them that I was studying to take the LSAT soon. Then Karoline showed up and I talked to her instead and went back to work. She kept making awkward gestures at me, trying to point out the that guy sitting just to my right kept looking at me. As embarrassing as she might have been, it made me smile. Eventually they headed off to write an exam but not before all four of us talked again. They seemed like genuinely nice guys. The kind of guys that I would want to date. It was definitely a good pick-me-up. And I was especially proud of myself for not being awkward or shy! However about an hour after they left, I realized that I totally blanked on actually introducing myself. Next time, next time. Regardless, this was a big step in the right direction for me and hopefully something that will become recurrent in my life.

Sunday, December 07, 2008

Shakespeare got under my skin

"This is the monstrosity in love, lady - that the will is infinite and the execution confined; that the desire is boundless and the act as slave to limit." (3.2.75-78) Shakespeare Troilus and Cressida

I love this quote. There is something so perfect about what it encapsulates. The story of Troilus and Cressida is probably one of the lesser known Shakespeare's, but I've grown to love it for the qualities that are very much like post-modernism like Tom Stoppard. It's almost like a more cynical and darker version of Romeo and Juliet. This quote comes from when they finally confess their love to each other and are about to sleep together before Troilus goes off to war. They are both fearful to let down their guards, especially if it leads them to be irrational. For Cressida, it seems as though carrying out her feelings is almost too girlie for her to handle, or something. And thus Troilus says the above line. But what I love about it, is that all of these things are so horribly true. One's will, when in love, is infinite. No obstacle is too big for it to overcome, and the greed to get what we want often leads us to cause a lot of external damage along the way. When we are burned by love, we often cut off our ties to the outside world and deal with our feelings in private. Internalizing every last bit of them until we are numb. Desire is of course what directs the will, thus they correlate in their uncontrollable nature. But the last phrase is the one that I think is the most important. The act, which refers to sex, is most definitely limiting. It often cripples our judgment because of the physical desires we would fulfill as a trade off to satisfying our emotional well-being. I think that it also limits by tying us to another human being, in a literal and emotional level. That intimacy is something that can't be over looked. It's what defines the act. And no matter what many people my age go around saying about sex, I'm convinced that it's all a bunch of BS. And those who do go around depriving themselves of emotional attachment are only setting themselves up for emptiness which is less fulfilling that the physical joy they desired.

Friday, December 05, 2008

change is in the forecast

As I'm spending more time analyzing Shakespeare and preparing for the exam, I find myself become more fond of the plays that we read. I guess what I'm most drawn to is the complexity of his seemingly simple characters, especially the female characters. There's something so charming, and realistic (?) about them that is suddenly keeping my attention. In a way I suppose they very much mimic the people around me. Maybe we are all just performing an identity after all. How disappointing is that?
I spent the afternoon shopping with JM. It felt just like old times, when the pair of us were much more carefree and disconcerted with school work. It made me nostalgic. But more importantly, I'm happy to say that I feel like my friendship with him has only blossomed into something indescribably great. I think my relationships with close friends and family, which are nearly indistinguishable, are what keeps me balanced through all the chaos that life throws my way. Knowing that they will always be a part of my life is comforting. But knowing that we are all growing together, is even better. That I am not the only one coping with being an adult.
I think the best part about where I am in my life right now, which is in the middle of nowhere, is that I have a chance to find new dreams for myself. To grow a little more into the person that I want to be. And I'm thoroughly looking forward to the New Year and the new school term when I'll have a chance to realize these dreams. In this moment I'd have to say that my dreams are mostly centered around my success in academics over the next year and a half. I have the LSAT coming up, which will more or less determine my future in law. I know I can do well on it, and especially since I've turned my grades around so much I would hate to see all of my hard work go to waste. I think my other hope for the New Year is to become really comfortable with who I am, and accepting that that doesn't mean settling for who I am now, but just not being so uneasy and self-conscious all the time. This is probably a more difficult undertaking than getting into law school, but I think that its best thing that could happen to me. It will make it easier for me to slip into this new phase of my life; where I embrace being 20 and fabulous and stop acting like I'm middle aged.

Thursday, December 04, 2008

"Too often the one thing we want the most is the thing we can't have"

The killing sensation of desire seems to be applicable to many things in my life. For example the Chanel bag that I've been vying for for so long. The shoes I plan on buying myself for Christmas. Harboring other people's secrets. And even a potential friendship with Rob. Maybe there's some sort of cosmic power just looking out for our best interest, trying to let us see what's not meant to be. Just like the last few times I've spoke with Rob, it just doesn't feel right. Even though my mind keeps trying to tell me that things are going to back to the way they were, I'm starting to realize that maybe that's not the best way for them to be. But sometimes we're stubborn enough that we try to force the fit. This time, I think I've recognized what's not meant to be before I get in over my head. I don't know. I don't have the answers these days. Though I do think that knowing that I'm the only person I can take care of, makes me more in tune to look out for the bumps in the road. Maybe one day I'll be all-knowing and will know exactly what to do in every situation. It's unlikely but I can certainly hope, right? Although life would be boring if I always knew what to do, all the time. Plus I think everyone would get annoyed with me very quickly. I feel that I'm lucky in the sense that I remotely know what I want out of life; law school, etc. I think not knowing what you desire is sometime even more difficult. Those people are often the ones who suffer the most. Even in my romantic life it's not like I don't know what I want, I definitely do. Now it's just a question of finding it.

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

accepting what was inevitable

One final down, and one more to go. I'm actually quite motivated to study for english next Friday now that I know I can get an A in that class. My plan is to ease back into it, and study for about 3 to 4 hours a day until next Tuesday and then kick up the intensity a notch or two. I know that I have to make my limited study time count though and not mess around. And I think that since I'll have so much time, I would feel really guilty not doing well on it.
I've also come to realize several things in the past few days that have been immensely useful to me. All of the dishonesty and shadiness on Rob's end of things makes me less inclined to trust him. He doesn't at all embody the things that I value in a friendship, and now I'm wondering why I'm even wasting my time on it. Whether or not I'm ready to admit it, it's definitely time for me to move on. I guess my problem now is that I've never been this free in a very long time and I'm just feeling a little lost as to what I should be doing. Thus being friends with Rob presents itself as a safety net and ultimately is what will hinder me from moving on. I need to be my own best friend for a while and leave behind the pieces that I think I value. As scary as it may seem, I have so many people in my life who will be there to help me through it. People who will be far better friends to me than Rob will ever be. It's time.

Monday, December 01, 2008

the interwined nature of people and places

I cooked Thanksgiving dinner for the first time ever on Saturday, alas it has gotten me behind on blogging and studying. Considering it was the first time I've ever thrown a dinner party so large and cooked a turkey, I'm thoroughly satisfied with the results. It was nice to be able to bring so many of my friends together to have a good meal and catch up on each other's lives. I loved the intimacy of it from fitting 13 people in my ridiculously small living room. Then again, it did make it feel more like my home.
Things appear to have settled down for me, though every time I think that's the case I'm taken by surprise. Anyhow, I'm spent by time doing other things like cooking to escape all of my unresolved problems. In fact that was working out very well for me until my problems came looking for me during my Girl Guide meeting. My phone rang and it was Rob. He called to apologize for bailing on me last night, though I can't say I was horribly let down by that. Nonetheless, he said he wanted to catch up on the phone, but I told him I was kind of in the middle of Brownies and he said he'd catch up with me after he was done at the gym (ie any minute now). Once again, I know I'm only creating drama for myself by agreeing to see him again. I know I'm doing it to give myself some fake hope that, perhaps, things might be normal again. Luckily there are only 13 more days until I go home and get the space that I desperately need. Such a shame that a place as big as Vancouver suddenly feels so suffocatingly small. I guess I can't really blame the place. It's the people in the place, which got me to thinking about how we fuse together our opinions of a place with the people that fill it. That somehow puts places at a disadvantage. The best example that comes to mind is LA. I've always had a bias against it because of it's filthy exterior but also because of all the celebs. I feel like they have such a negative influence over so many people and have such a fake facade about them. Anyways, for this reason I avoid LA like the plague. Maybe that's not fair, but in my mind it's somehow justified. Not that I'm beginning to feel that way about Vancouver, but I worry that the people may be driving me from the place I love so much. I guess it's time for me to stand my ground and make the choices that I've been dreading so much.

Friday, November 28, 2008

When did we all become adults, and how can we make it stop?

I finally had the conversation with Rob last night that I thought would make everything right. Except that it didn't. I asked him why he didn't tell me when we went golfing. He said he wanted to. He said he wanted to when we stood outside my apartment in late February when he broke up with me. He apologized again and again. I'm glad he did, I think I needed to hear it. But since the last time we talked and he told me that this did not factor into why we broke up, I'm less inclined to trust his motives on friendship. I just think it's out of guilt or something and I don't need a friend who is just going to be around to protect me from truths that they're keeping from me. It doesn't seem like a healthy base for a friendship.
He said the exact thing that I wanted to hear months ago and in a totally different context. "I'm willing to fight for this." Meaning that he wants to really try to be friends with me. All I could say was that, "I fought for months to be with you and then you dropped me. I just don't know if I can let you back in my life so easily." I'm at the place where I fear that keeping him in my life might cause me more harm than good. But I realized that this is one of those times when I really have to start looking out for my own best interest because that seems to be what everyone else around me is doing. What really irked me was that he keep saying, "I know this isn't going to be easy and there's probably a lot that needs to be sorted out." So I asked, "What needs to be sorted out," in the hopes that he would point me in the remote direction of a clear answer. Except that he replied, "I don't know. We'll talk again on Sunday." I think that was when I realized that there is no easy fix for this situation and that maybe the best thing that I could do, if I really love him, is to let him go. I don't think I can keep doing this to myself, where every so often we unbandage old wounds together trying to force a friendship. It really shouldn't be this hard. Or complicated I suppose.

Monday, November 24, 2008

does the truth set you free?

I caved yesterday because this is so overwhelming that I could no longer bottle it up. It was not for any gossiping reasons that I would tell JM and I know that, which in my mind, was what made it okay to talk to him about everything. But apparently he already knew that Rob was gay. Apparently Sarah hinted at Habi and she guessed it and then she told JM way back in September. The funny part is is that Sarah and Rob don't know that JM knows AND Karoline has absolutely no clue what's going on. But I feel like she will truly need to hear this from Rob, though she might be hurt that none of us told her. This whole situation is so bizarre and just ridiculous that it seems like something only Hollywood screen writers could come up with. Yet it's happening to me. Right now. I have seriously never been so excited to go home. I only have to get through the next few weeks and then I'll be home and I'll have the time and distance to reflect on everything that's gone on. And that's precisely what I need.
What complicates this entire situation is the fact that I was not honest with Rob the other night. Instead I put on my supportive friend face and now I'm regretting it. There's definitely going to be a part 2 of our conversation that needs to take place asap. Mostly because I need to just be honest with Rob and sort this whole mess out before it starts affecting my school work. Though Rob telling me the truth certainly didn't set me free, in fact it only seemed to complicate everything. Especially since I still love him and his continues to giving me a glimmer of hope that I am his ideal woman. Well that doesn't exactly have meaning anymore, and I just need to accept it. Jm told me last night that the truth will set me free in this situation. Just confiding in him started to make it easier, but I think it really means telling Rob the truth. And thus probably another intense conversation. In my mind I can only hope that this makes things easier for me in the long run. In fact, I'm optimistic that when I come back in January things will be better.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

No, not square one. This is different

So I finally stopped being delusional around 1:30 am this morning, but only after quite a bit of vodka. I had a really good cry. I knew I would I just wasn't sure when. I know Rob doesn't mean to hurt me, in fact I know his intentions are exactly the opposite. But, once again, he has hurt me and I feel like I can't tell him because this is all so new and it's kind of a sensitive subject. But now I feel really alienated by what he's told me. No one else whom I'm close to knows and I have no clue what to talk to them about since I'm carrying around this huge weight.
What I also feel confused about is the fact that most people aren't surprised by his revelation. They've been expecting it for a long time. And this makes me feel like a complete fool. I can't even imagine what will be said about our past relationship, it's probably going to be the butt of jokes for a while.
This is all just so much and all I want to do is go crawl under a rock and die. I, I know I should be honest with Rob but I don't even know how to tell him that once again he's cut me deep. I don't know why I can't do that to him even though he's done it to me, several times. But really, when in the hell did things get so complicated? I don't know where the beginning is so I have no idea how to pull myself out of this mess. I think that may mean that I just have to deal with it. And even then, I don't know what that means either. I don't know what any of it means! But I do know that I'm not in square one; I'm in the square I was in when Rob broke up with me. I don't know how I confused that for square one.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

back in square one

Even thought I'm finding myself strangely in the same place that I was in this time two years ago, there's something settling about it. Maybe things have been set right in my mind and now I'm merely at peace with myself. Who knows. Rob and I had a very intense conversation last night. He was telling me about the chaotic state that he found his life in after we broke up and how he spent a lot of time questioning aspects of his life, which led to him questioning his sexuality. I remember when he said that I felt the blood drain from my face. I wasn't hurt, it was almost a relief in someway, which is weird. But we caught up on the last eight months of each others lives, and it was really nice. I knew I had missed having him in my life, but I guess I hadn't come to terms with just how distraught his absence had left me. But there was a moment of inner peace when I realized that maybe now I have a chance of being good friends with him again and while carrying on with my life.
I now feel even worse about being so disagreeable for so many months with him because all he's wanted to talk to me about was this huge things that he has been going through. And I've been selfish enough to push back so hard that he has barely talked to anyone about it and I realize that that's what has torn apart of lot of his friendships. But I think that now he'll be able to mend a lot of them. I think, especially for JM, it will explain a lot of his behavior. I know JM has been indirectly affected by our messy break up but now it seems like there's an inkling of chance that things may be repaired. And that's a really satisfying thought.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

And despite everything, I gave in

I wrote a letter to Rob last night detailing all the things that I've realized and all the things that I've wanted to say for so long. I'm actually planning on giving it to him. Probably tomorrow. I can't believe I actually did it, but now everything feels right in my mind for the first time in a very long time. Maybe this is means something more, something that I'm even a bit afraid to touch on . . . what if he's been the one that I've needed all along? If this is true, I'm going to come out looking like a complete fool. Maybe I've just needed all this time to realize it, and hopefully he has too. I guess I'll find out in a matter of days.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Unexpected Backlash

Today I had an group meeting for my English class performance, this is the group that Phil is also in. So since we parted on what I thought were mutual terms, I was completely prepared to be civil today. However when he arrived he did not even acknowledge my presence, nor did he even remotely look my direction during the entire 2 hours! I noticed that the boy had a hickey on his neck! Which means that my suspicion from several weekends ago has been confirmed. He probably has been seeing someone else. And now I feel a bit silly sleeping with him for nearly 2 months, I think I knew that it was too soon. Well I guess I've learned my lesson.
I talked to my mom about it. She said that he was probably feeling a bit awkward about it, which is why he avoided me. But she also told me that I was being a bit irrational about giving up on dating already. She reminded me that I shouldn't expect to find someone that I truly love and want to spend the rest of my life with quickly; it's often a long, and sometimes painful, process.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

truth (and time) take pleasure in kicking our ass

I guess it was a rebound after all. I realized that I fell back into the trap of responding to social pressure about my romantic life. I knew my heart wasn't in it, but everyone kept trying to sell me the idea that it was right and my apprehension about it was my way of stalling it. Maybe I'll never actually know what it was. What I do know is that it has sent me back down the bottomless hole of hopelessly trying to get over my last ex. I can't help but think that all this time and energy I've spent on avoiding him and blocking him from my life, may have been the wasted. I know that when we were together, I thought he was the one I was meant to be with and maybe that's why I haven't been able to pull my life back together in any recognizable form. At the same time, I think I have experienced a lot of good change and have learned a lot post-break up. And now, despite my good judgment, I think I might actually be ready to talk to him. I think it will bring some resolution to my life, either in the form of being able to move on or in being with him once again. Right now I think that I desperately need one of those things, and I'm just saddened that it's taken me so long to come to terms with it, with the truth. The truth that I am not over him. Emotions are a funny thing, anger and rejection have sent me down an odd path only to realize that I felt them in response to just how much I love him. And no matter how hard I try, those feelings will never dissipate. I think that I'm at a crucial fork in the road, and before I do anything, I think that I need to be by myself for a bit and just think everything through because whatever I choose will have repercussions that need to be accounted for.

Friday, November 14, 2008

And then it was over before it had even started

It's weird how people surprise you with the news you definitely weren't expecting. I had asked Phil if he wanted to hang out today, anticipating that we would finally have the talk about moving into a relationship. So we walked over to my place and we had just got inside, the door wasn't even closed yet and in the most confident and forward way he says, "so we really need to talk." and of course I was just like yes well why don't you come inside whatever. And he says, "i don't really know how to say this, but i like you but i don't really want a relationship." Okay that was totally not what I was expecting, and he continued. "we think along the same lines and we really hit it off when we first met but i'm just not sure about it now." Owch! So he left and so did my a bit of my dignity. But I guess what I've taken away from it is to be careful who I lend my heart out to. I realize that from my side, it was probably a rebound and I feel a bit liberated now. So here's to be single for a while. I think that I need to be by myself for a while.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Singin' lullabyes to my problems

It feels really good to have the majority of projects finished this semester, especially since I think that I produced some quality work. I imagine that I'll feel even better when this last English paper is turned in next Tuesday. I'm looking forward to spending some time in the studio tomorrow. I have a new piece that I want to trim. I think I'm also going to try and make at least two more shapes tomorrow. I realized that I need to up my pottery production if I'm going to be giving them to people for Christmas. I'm really glad that I took up pottery as my hobby this year. I'll be even more happy next semester when I'm taking photography and running.
So I saw the boy today for this first time since Sunday, and I really didn't have high expectations since I've not been avidly trying to contact him. We had a good chat before class, however after class he didn't hold my hand like he usually does, granted I was a bit stand off-ish. But we did kiss. Anyways I guess the reason why he's been so absent is because he had a midterm yesterday and another next week. It's clearly just an issue of us being busy people, which is sad. Although it's nice to know I haven't completely killed off this thing that's going on between us. I'm hoping that tomorrow I can talk him into hanging out for a bit. It's certainly not awkward, but it definitely needs to be cleared up.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

And things come together

I had a good chat with my dad last night. He told me that I need to find my inner blood-thirsty competitor for the next few months while I'm preparing for the LSAT. I'm not sure if that description that was meant to set me off, but it did in a way. Although I would describe myself as competitive, focused is a better word. I know what I want and it's totally feasible that I can get it. I've been working so hard in the past two years and I have so much to loose if I didn't get in to law school. I haven't been trying so hard for nothing, and I think I just need to keep that in mind as June gets closer.
What I've found most interesting about this term is that I haven't been getting things done as far in advance as I did last year, but I'm approaching them with even more determination, which is what I think explains why I have been getting relatively good marks. Right now I have 6 days until my Shakespeare essay is due, but in working things out for it this morning, I've found that it's really come together. In fact, more so than I initially thought it would. I've definitely rediscovered my love for writing and I think it will definitely show this semester. I know that next semester maybe equally challenging, but I know I'll be up for it. I'll have to work extra hard to ensure my success on the LSAT. But hey, if I somehow manage to get As in university, can a good LSAT score be that far off?

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Non-Fiction from a Past Life

Perhaps one day you'll read this. At least I hope so anyway. I feel like I'm more articulate in pen than I am in speech. I think it's because I don't have to be present while people judge me. I don't deal well with that sort of thing. I've been sitting here on the airplane to New York replaying lots of scenes in my mind, trying to feel closer to you. The ones that seem to be coming to mind most frequently are all the times we'd sit on each others beds talking about well, nothing really. Even just being there with you, I've never felt so comfortable just talking. It's like I suddenly have nothing to hide. And even if I did, there's no place that you couldn't find me. Maybe this is was its suppose to feel like; when things fall into place where they're supposed to. I tell you [ ], I've never been in my entire life a romantic in any sense of the word. But that seems to have changed for me, and I'm moving to a new chapter of my life. I love it though. I hope this fire in my eyes burns for a while longer. I'm not ready for any of this to change, though sometimes it's how things have to be. You know what else crossed my mind? How impossible it is that we ever met in the first place, let alone became such good friends. It disproves most of the things I believe about fate being impossible. maybe there's some justification to what so many believe in. But I like the mystery so I'm not going to give in just yet.
May 2007

Monday, November 10, 2008

"Words, words, words. I once had the gift of words."

I realized the other day why I love literature so much. It's because so many writers are able to say all the things that I am unable to. I don't know why it is, but I am incredibly inarticulate what it comes to speech. And yet they have crafted characters who say all the right things at all the right times in the most perfect ways. Sometimes I think my problem may be that it's in the heat of a moment and I'm just too anxious to stop and really think about what I am going to say. In most recent times, my inability to talk to Philip about what he and I are doing in the larger sense has begun to spread a sort of paralyzing chill through me. I just don't ever feel like there's a good time to spring that topic on someone without feeling completely awkward. And that maybe true for everyone and not just me. But I finally started to put the wheels in motion for the conversation to take place yesterday. I felt (and still do) a bit weird about bringing it up, but I know that's only my fear of rejection getting the best of me. I really do want to be in a relationship with him, otherwise I wouldn't have brought it up, and I think he realizes that. The good thing is is that he agreed that we should talk, however since this all took place over several text messages, I have no idea what his tone was since it could be construed in many different ways.

Thursday, November 06, 2008

Theatre invading life. Or is it the other way around?

Shockingly enough my art history paper is coming together in it's outline form much better than I had imagined. I know that I have a lot of work ahead of me this weekend, but I feel a little bit less stressed about it knowing that thus far it's going well. I also have to get a move on my Shakespeare paper. We started discussing "Cymbeline" today. It's actually capturing my imagination much more than the others this term. I love the complexity of the relationships between his characters in the late plays. I think that in plays like "Romeo and Juliet" and "Much Ado About Nothing" I found myself very annoyed with the superficial, synthetic nature of the characters' relationships; they didn't seem real enough to me and were oddly theatrical.
Along the lines of the theatrical, I've some how turned into a coward and a drama queen with Phil. I think it's my passive aggressive nature that has led me to that combination. Anyways it's made me realize that, more than ever, I need to solidify things with the boy. I realize that I'm a bit afraid of getting hurt which is why I've stayed in this limbo state for so long, but I think it's time for moi to toughen up and get my act together. I think that having some resolve to the situation will give me some piece of mind, or at least enough so that I'm not fretting over it.

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

Reflection on the Election

It's very surprising to me that the California voters shot down so many of the billion dollar bond propositions on the ballot yesterday. For a state that notoriously spends, I think it indicates a real change in mind set. I think that it may have come from them finally making a connection that the government pulls that money for projects like a $19.2 billion high speed train from the residents' pockets. Sadly, I think, that for so long people assumed the government was magically coming up with money. But in this time of economic hardship, people are more conscientious of their own spending habits as well as the government's. It makes me a bit more optimistic that California still has hope to be a conservative state.
I think that I was most surprised that the majority of people voted yes on proposition 8. This essentially defines marriage as between a man and a woman, and will not recognized homosexual marriages. I thought for sure everyone would vote no on that on. Although I have yet to look up the statics of the turn out, I'm sure it was low, even in such a hyped election. But maybe it was because of that hype that it drew out a slightly different demographic. I voted, and that's what's most important to me.

Monday, November 03, 2008

Oh English

I'm back in the zen of essay writing. It's taken me a lot longer than usual, but it's nice to be so comfortable writing again. My essay on William Wordsworth has shaped up better than I first thought it would. Although I'm still in a bit of rut with the essay that I have to write for my Shakespeare class. I guess I just haven't felt inspired yet. Even though that class is less than stimulating, I'm finding it hard to believe that even on my own merit, I haven't felt a good connection to the lecture topics. I'm usually fascinated by the concept of constructing identity, it's something I could read about for days because of the complexity of it, but none of the Shakespeare's that we've read have drawn me into that topic. I am however immensely looking forward to composing my essay on Coleridge's "Rime of the Ancient Mariner." It's definitely top five on my list of all time favorite pieces of literature.

Saturday, November 01, 2008

Real or Rebound?

I'm in the midst of a crisis at the moment. I'm feeling stuck in this in between state of being over someone and moving on. And I think what's keeping me here is that I'm afraid that in choosing one or the other, I'll will choose the wrong thing and regret it forever. This all started because I was talking with a coworker last week about my ex and she happened to say, "how funny would it be if he was the one?" And sure she said it in a joking manner, but it's planted a seed of doubt in my mind about solidifying things with the guy that I have been dating for about 2 months. We haven't had "the talk" yet and now I'm a bit hesitant about it. I think it maybe that I want to make sure that I do want to be with him, and I really want to be. So much. But my intuition about it is different somehow from the last time I got involved with someone. It was like everything fell into place perfectly, and this time it seems like I have to shape things a bit more. I don't think I would go as far to say that I'm trying to convince myself that I like this guy. But I guess I'm just trying to reconcile how romantic relationship take so many different forms in their early stages. Plus I also feel like I keep comparing this time to the last, which isn't fair because they're completely different people. So I guess my question of crisis is: How do you know the difference between something real and a rebound?
I think that perhaps rebound relationships are more lustful and purely physical. And usually driven by a vengeful desire to be the first to move on. I guess I've never had a true rebound. I tend to try to work things out on my own and for a very long time. Like a friend told me, if this new boy is a rebound, it may be the longest rebound relationship in history. I don't think it is because I really do like him, but don't have any way of make sure this isn't some well played out illusion in my mind.

Saturday, April 26, 2008

A Summer Well Started

Dinner went well last night. The spinach in my quiche was better than I had expected. It was great to catch up with everyone. I think that's what will be nice about this summer, having more bonding time with my people. It's such a nice day today, I went for a walk to the beach this morning with Karoline. It was nice to sit on the rocks and watch the sun come up over the city skyline. The sun was so warm. I love being outside these days, it's very relaxing and it makes me appreciate the beauty in everything around me. There's something very majestic about Vancouver. You can be down at the ocean, but right across the bay is it mountains. And then Stanley Park and the city.

Friday, April 25, 2008

free falling

I'm officially done with another year of school. I think this semester has definitely been more noteworthy than the first, and perhaps in a good way. I'm moving into a new chapter of my life, getting to know myself better and becoming the woman I think I should be. I'm super excited about staying in Vancouver this summer. Although I only have 9 days until classes start again. My summer classes will (hopefully) be good. I'm looking forward to having more time to spend with my good friends as well as time for myself, which has been a bit short these days. Tonight JM, Karoline and Sarah are coming over for dinner. I'm excited to cook a proper meal since I've been so busy with exams I haven't had time to cook properly. Even better thought tomorrow night I'm supposed to hang out with Phil although I have no clue whether this is a casual thing or a date, which has me a bit on edge. Ahhhhhhh! In either case, I have no idea what I'm going to be wearing and that needs to be decided ASAP. We're going to this restaurant downtown called Bin 941. I've heard of it before and I'm always up for new hangout spots. Regardless of whether or not its a date, it will be nice to hang out with someone new.

Sunday, April 20, 2008

78 hours until it's over

This has been one of those weekends that reminds me that I can achieve everything that I desire in life. I managed to get a lot of studying done for my upcoming exams, as well as logging in some quality time with my friends. I even fit in a run to the beach this morning. It was so nice out, the tide was out about 400 meters and it was amazing to look back at the city with the wet, soggy earth as it's foreground. There were a lot of sail boats out in the bay, which made me nostalgic for summer. But I have to be patient and focus on what's on hand which is my exams.
In general, this term has seemed like on big blur to me. So much has happened and I feel like it's forcing me even more to step up and be in charge of myself, my emotions, my fears, my life. It's been difficult but with my best friends at my side encouraging me, it's been easier to take risks and discover new facets of myself. I think this summer will be about even more self discovery and dedication to being the best person I can be. Three cheers for being fabulous!

Friday, April 18, 2008

day one - exams begin!

I guess the only good thing about them beginning, is knowing that I'm only 5 days away from being finished. I have my rhetoric exam today and I feel pretty good about it. I think it's mostly just going to be historical analysis questions. I was very surprised by just how much I enjoyed this course. Perhaps it's because rhetoric is a useful tool in many areas of my life. After all Katula said that any modern lawyer would benefit from knowing Quintilian's theory of emotional appeals. I'll concur, it has been useful. What I found most interesting about 20th c. theory is that it began to look at rhetoric is a totally different light. In that we are all innately rhetorically beings who intentionally and unintentionally use rhetoric is our daily lives. I suppose this is true, especially with reference to the process of self deliberation, which is highly rhetorical.
I was watching Boston Legal this past week, which is a prime illustration of what good rhetoric is in the court room. It inspires me to want to be a better speaker now, and then to harness that power in court, to make a speech that is truly moving and persuasive. There's just something so impressive and captivating about a really good orator. I think it's because it's a skill that very few people have naturally mastered and don't want/need to work at it. Maybe this is the root of Obama's appeal that no one really want to recognize. Yes the man is a good orator, but what is the true substance of what he is saying? What is really behind the words that seem to be convincing so many during the campaign thus far? Perhaps this is a question too complex to be addressed, but will unravel with time.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

i heart john. but not as much as cousin karl.


OMG. Galliano's spring couture collection for Dior is so divine. I think this was one of my favorite dresses from it. Though I have to say I wasn't too impressed with some of the models used for the shoot. I really don't this some of them did the garments justice. I mean, it's John Galliano, they should feel beyond obligated to do a fabulous poses.

the end isn't near [it's hear]

Classes are finally over and I'm not in finals mode, which keeps being interupted by my various medical issues. I have to go for a sleep deprived EEG tomorrow morning. Apparently there is a chance that during it, the doctors will have to sedate me. Yes! this is was I've been dreaming about for the last two month and finally my wishes are being granted. Other than that, I've been doing a minimal amount of sketching and trying (unsuccessfully) to find a part time job. I guess it is a downer for me that I'm practically 20 and have never worked before. Oh well. Soon enough someone will see the rest of my wonderfully redeeming qualities that more than make up for my lack of experience.
Back to the books . . .

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

this space is intentionally left blank.

I am beyond perplexed by the repercussions following my most recent break up. My roommates, whom I thought I was good friends with, sat me down tonight to say that they don't want to live together anymore because they value their friendship with my ex more. This is just fantastic news. I'm now down 3 friends over a break up. I'm not sure why they feel obligated to choose sides in the first place. But I guess that this break has been good for is finding out who my real friends actually are; a dwindling number at best. Regardless, it's makes me a bit angry to think that they have merely been performing the role of a friend for a months now, only because we live together. Even more absurd than that though is the fact that they tried to tell me that we'd all be better friends if we didn't live together. Now THAT I know for a fact is such bs, because those two would probably barely make an effort to see me, let alone be my friends. I feel the only thing the break up has done is set me on a path of perpetual alienation from people whom I thought cared about me the way that I care about them.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

no more

How is it possible that I still want to be with someone who has literally chosen everything else over me? I'm simply at a loss as to how this can even be feasible since I generally consider myself to be a rational person. And I'm totally not buying old cliches about how the heart has mysterious ways. I really want to move on. But every time I think about the situation in retrospect (which is often) some other revelation comes to mind and I get even more caught up in it. I just want to not be sad anymore. To not cry every other day. Why is it so hard to move on? What's even more confusing is that I'm not sure whether to be playing the part of victim or the cause. I keep trying to come up with ways to distract myself and to get my life back on track. I broke down and bought Vogue earlier this week. I figured that since fashion is one of my main interests, but even the spring addition couldn't pull me out of the hole that I'm in. I've never felt like this before and I never want to again. Being in love simply means being vulnerable. And I am not vulnerable anymore.

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

Focus to see the light in the dark

Emotions are complicated. Even in retrospect I'm not sure I am able to make sense of any of it. I think it's because so much of what was said and done and how I feel now all seem to clash, and as much as I think the Big Bang theory is plausible, it just doesn't seem to be making anything coherent at the moment.
On the upside, the weather's been fabulous enough for me to start running again and that makes me infinitely happy! I also had a good chat with my English prof earlier in the week. I don't think I've ever had someone believe in me the way she does. It makes me want to work extra hard in her course this term to give her a reason to know that she's right about me. This is definitely a new level of confidence to know that I can do whatever I apply myself to. I guess the tricky part is the application. Though I do truly enjoy the process of writing and I think this will be a fantastic chance to embrace this.

Saturday, March 01, 2008

Another week finished

So far it's been a good weekend. I've done a fair amount of work, though I still have a lot more to go. At least I have found some time to relax. I started running again last week. It's been a lot of fun mixing up my running routes and exploring the outer areas of the campus. Keeping things fresh I guess. Jm and I were suppose to do dinner tonight but he had family stuff. So here I am on a Saturday night, sitting at my computer reflecting on the week . . . good times! I've been trying even harder with my english course. I know how important getting good marks is this term and the past few weeks have been rough, but I finally feel like I've got it together and have my true priorities in order. Yay for me. I'm also planning a weekend at home in about 3 weeks, which is good incentive to be working hard right now on all my assignments so that I can actually relax when I'm there. I think in the past few weeks I've come to realize just how important family is, especially since I don't exactly have one here any more. It's been a bit lonely but they've really been here for me; they are always so supportive. Too often I take them for granted but that's changing now too, just like everything else has. You know I think sometimes change happens because it's something that we need to do so desperately but are too hesitant. Perhaps it's better to just jump in feet first and embrace whatever comes at you.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Struggling

In the past year and a half since I've moved to Canada, I've lost about 60 lbs. I'm struggling at this moment to maintain all my hard work. It's hard not to sabotage it but I know that in the long run I'll be grateful to myself for showing a bit of self control with food. I think for me, my weight loss has been about avoiding all the health problems that people in my family have had in relation to being obese. After I lost a lot of weight last year, my dad decided to as well. I was really proud of him for doing as well as he did, however he hasn't been able to maintain it at all. I want to prove that I'm not like that. That I am stronger than that. I know what needs to be done and now all I have to do is do it.

Saturday, February 23, 2008

Proceed with Caution? No, Sensibility.

It's been an interesting past few months. I'd like to say that I've gained perspective on everything, but it's too soon to say. I alone now for the first time in a while, and although I'm feeling a bit weak on my feet I think this will only make me stronger. I am a bit angry and there's no telling how long it's going to take me to get over this. I guess it's true that you never know how much you love someone until they are no longer there. I know that I loved him just as much now as when we were together; but that was the difference between us. I always knew how I felt and where I was going. Maybe it's true what they say, if you don't know where you're going you'll end up somewhere else. I think I might have been too jaded to even acknowledge that I hadn't a clue what it was that I really wanted.