Friday, January 05, 2007

getting ready to depart from home

It's hard to be another year has come and gone, except this time I'm proud of the changes I've made in the past year. I feel more in control, better off, and happier than I've been in a while. This time last year was very strange for me. My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer and my best friend's mother died from very terminal cancer. It was the first funeral I'd ever attended. It was really scary for me to think that Kristen's reality could've (and i suppose it still could be) been my reality. It seemed very unimaginable for me, yet it was right in front of my face. Expecting me to do or say something profound to make it all seem better. Yet I was frozen. Dead still for a very long time. Even though the time moved forward even faster after that, things didn't feel normal again for me until the summer. I graduated. Traveled around Europe. Left for college. Even with all of those mile stones during the middle part of the year, it seemed as though the last three months of 2006 brought the even bigger changes for me. I faced situations that I could've never comprehended on my own. But I got strong. Only because of the people that were around to support me through it all. I am very lucky to be surrounded by people who selflessly care for others. Maybe I should take away a lesson from them, from the way they ran to me and stayed there. Long after the dust settled. Coming home for the first time in almost five months was challenging for long list of reasons, but mostly because I'm very proud of the changes I chose to make when I left at the end of the summer and because I was (am?) scared that my friends would reject who I've become and that I'd no longer have the same connection to them that I always had. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be though. It's made me think that perhaps I'm far too critical of myself and that I'm still the same person that all my friends loved in the first place. God, I'm such a people pleaser. Oh I guess somethings never change.

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