Wednesday, January 24, 2007

change . . . and this time, in a good way

Things are shifting, changing, in a very strange way the past couple of days. I'm not entirely sure what to make of it. Even though it's all in a good way, I'm doubting and there isn't any reason to. I should be sure footed and brave and dive right in. The water's cool and cleansing and I feel alive. For the first time in a while. I like this. Every little aspect of it.

Sunday, January 21, 2007

following through with my self-improvement

It's been a long productive weekend for me. I'm really proud of myself, that I'm actually managing to be disciplined in getting my work done during the day, and having time to be able to go out in the evenings with friends and just hang out. I'm mostly happy that I've really found my niche in balancing academics and all the other stuff that goes on during the week, like dance and now girls football and hopefully soon the student ambassadors program. I'm happy that I'm busy, I'm expanding my own horizons in my abilities to be successful on my own and really putting myself out there, you know. It's hard sometimes, but I feel really satisfied with myself in the past couple of weeks. I've really managed to turn it around and become someone I like. Someone I'm proud of. And someone who will go far in life.

Monday, January 15, 2007

noteworthy?

I cannot believe how substantially more busy I am this term. And the scary thing is that it's only the second week. The thing that gets me is the fact that I continue to dig myself further into the hole by adding more commitments to my already long list. I feel better about myself though. I'm managing. I'm certainly not drowning. It means I could have tried harder last term. But this time I'm making it happen. I'm doing just fine on my own and I'm being successful in the world. I guess in the end that's all that really matters. How successful you were. What you did with your life to make it noteworthy. The best part is the loose definition of noteworthy.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

one week down (well almost)

So I've hit the ground running this term. I've actually spent a significant already working in the library or in Starbucks up the street, and I hate to admit it, but I feel even more comfortable sitting in class knowing that I know the material. I mean there are times when I have questions, but knowing the material before class has been one of the most helpful things that I've done fore myself this term. I'm also surprised that I haven't felt the need to go to library with a group of people. I've been perfectly fine on my own. It's kind of scary in a way that I'm actually motivating myself for once. I'm very pleased so far with how I've been handling my work and time this week. In fact, I find it really boring to be sitting in my room talking to friends of instant messages. But I think what really got me motivated to get it together has been that I've realized that I do have something to prove. Except this time it's to myself.

Friday, January 05, 2007

getting ready to depart from home

It's hard to be another year has come and gone, except this time I'm proud of the changes I've made in the past year. I feel more in control, better off, and happier than I've been in a while. This time last year was very strange for me. My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer and my best friend's mother died from very terminal cancer. It was the first funeral I'd ever attended. It was really scary for me to think that Kristen's reality could've (and i suppose it still could be) been my reality. It seemed very unimaginable for me, yet it was right in front of my face. Expecting me to do or say something profound to make it all seem better. Yet I was frozen. Dead still for a very long time. Even though the time moved forward even faster after that, things didn't feel normal again for me until the summer. I graduated. Traveled around Europe. Left for college. Even with all of those mile stones during the middle part of the year, it seemed as though the last three months of 2006 brought the even bigger changes for me. I faced situations that I could've never comprehended on my own. But I got strong. Only because of the people that were around to support me through it all. I am very lucky to be surrounded by people who selflessly care for others. Maybe I should take away a lesson from them, from the way they ran to me and stayed there. Long after the dust settled. Coming home for the first time in almost five months was challenging for long list of reasons, but mostly because I'm very proud of the changes I chose to make when I left at the end of the summer and because I was (am?) scared that my friends would reject who I've become and that I'd no longer have the same connection to them that I always had. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be though. It's made me think that perhaps I'm far too critical of myself and that I'm still the same person that all my friends loved in the first place. God, I'm such a people pleaser. Oh I guess somethings never change.