Friday, September 29, 2006

in between

you know that awkward feeling you get when you in between adapting to a new environment and rejecting it? Like a numbness, when everything thing starts to feel familar, but you aren't ready for it to be your new norm? I feel in limbo right now, somewhere in the middle between. Everything about UBC is feeling all to familar, but I want it to stay strange and untrue, because if it isn't I'd have to own up to the fact that I'm comfortable in a new environment. I don't want to call this place my home. It's not. It isn't California. My horses aren't visible from my bedroom window. The people don't know me like they do at home. Yet i want so badly for all of this to be true.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

the psychotic art project

So I began working on my art today, which is due on Friday. Anyways we got a very strange assignment for this week. In our last class we did an exercise of making marks on the paper, to music. So we listen to a wide range of music and used lots of different media and we were then told to create an abstract landscape using collaged pieces of paper from the marks to music exercise. My initial thoughts were somewhere along the lines of, "How the hell do you make an abstract landscape out of random pencil marks" and "At least this doesn't involve any artistic skill." Firstly, I was quite proud of myself for not procrastinating this week's piece until Thursday night. Secondly, this afternoon, my head was a jumbled mess of thoughts about how bad this piece looks. And finally, when I took a step back and began to logically think things through, I was actually able to create a sense of space and depth with in the piece. To be honest I'm not really sure how I managed to pull this off, but I did, and I'm quite proud of myself.

Monday, September 25, 2006

sleep . . . please!

It's the beginning of another week here at UBC, and the work load is fogging my vision of Friday being in the near future. I feel like I just need to take a day off and sleep for its entirety. My poor sleep habits are finally catching up to me, and it's a bitch. I'm freaking tired right now, and I can't seem to get myself to function.

Saturday, September 23, 2006

. . . and suddenly i'm going nowhere fast.

When I left Caifornia, I left hoping to find something more. More than just another meaningless relationship with a guy. More than just the day to day life that never seemed to change. And more than just activities that I didn't have any deeper connection to other than the surface value. I wanted to find more passion for the things around me that help shape and define me. I wanted to find someone who I actually cared about in more than just a friendly way. And I wanted to see the good in people for once. But I find all of these things hard to come by, as none of them see to come in a clear cut form, and nor do they seem to make any more sense than they did before. In fact, I feel almost more confused about all of these things and I don't want to feel this way any more. Yet it seems to be some evil cycle that re-starts itself no matter where I live. Maybe I need to consider the possiblity that it's something to do with myself, rather than environment in which I live.

a quiet friday night in totem = not good

Even though I've been here in the dorms for about 4 weeks now, I have yet to set foot in a party in residence. But I was looking to change that last night, and knowing how the kids are who live here, I figured it wouldn't be difficult to find a party on a friday night. But after wondering through all of the dorm buildings, I am sad to report that totem was dead last night. But that is all about to change, as tonight is the g.l.o.w market, and people around here have way too much enthusiasm for it. But I'm going to keep an open mind and see how things pan out.

Friday, September 22, 2006

Snow Patrol Concert = ♥

Last night I went to the Snow Patrol concert here in Vancouver and oh my god it was freaking amazing!! In fact, I would venture to say that it could rival the Death Cab concert that I went to last March. They sound exactly like they do on the record, and it was incredible to see how enthralled the band was in their music. It made the concert so much more engaging and just phenomenal. I could believe the quality of the concert, because (as always) I have my doubts about live music. But if they are ever in the area again I'm definately going to see them again.
Other than the concet yesterday, nothing much of great significance has happened to me lately. Although I did manage to get a decent mark on my art piece, and everyone had good things to say about it. So I suppose all the stress and pressure I put on myself was really for no reason.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

A Startling Revelation A Little Too Late

After spending the past week and half complaining, fretting over, and stressing about my visual arts class I finally began my project that is due on friday. And amazingly enough, it has gone surprisingly well which could translate to one of two things. 1. That my drawing skills aren't nearly as bad as I imagined or 2. I should have began working on this project this time last week. I hate to admit to procrastination in this case; however, I don't feel nearly as guilty as I usually would because I'm actually aware of the benefits that I could be experiencing if I had actually followed through on working on this piece last week. It's quite astonishing to me, that perhaps I could actually be okay in this class. Although I think the fear of utter and complete failure is keeping more motivated. Thus I think it's best that I continue to live in a reality where I can't draw in order to work harded in this class. It's really scary to me, that I might stuggle more with a drawing class, than my math class for once.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

A Not So Typical Monday

Often times during my day, I find myself pondering ideas that are totally incomprehensible. Although it seems too often my train of thought gets interrupted by the most random things going on around me. On this occasion though, it was a totally different thought that moved me to a river of randomness. I was sitting at Starbucks this afternoon studying math, fretting over a quiz I had to take later in the day, and most of all enjoying my chai latte. Despite my usual manner of conduct in studying, which includes lingering of subject and on to things that don't really matter, I managed to actually get something done (at least for the first hour and a half). However, when I got up to leave for math class, I was trying to recall some the details from my trip to Europe this past summer and I was shocked to find how little actually I remember visually without a picture in front of me. But more startling than that, I couldn't for the life of me remember the name of the British bloke that I met. I suppose it's all through association, but I couldn't believe my thoughts about Vatican artwork managed to lead to the bad recollections of my one night stand. I suppose it's like forgetting that name the brand of shoes that I'm wearing on any given day, it's just something that doesn't happen to me. And in fact it mad me feel quite senile. Then again, maybe it was sort of a pre-censored thought due to the nature of the content.

Sunday, September 17, 2006

Reflection on Recent Events

I've heard it before, the cliche of college being a place where you find yourself. In fact I'm convinced that the only thing you find at college, is a bunch of overly excited teenagers looking to hook up with anyone who will say yes. I find it difficult to understand. Why do people get so out of control when they leave home for the first time? I guess because I haven't reacted in the same way, I obviously find it much more difficult to get, but nonetheless, I don't feel like the same girl that I was back home a month ago. I'm not out doing out of control, teenager activites that I was before. I'm not out the whole weekend with friends. I'm not sure what element about being here has changed me so much. Or for that matter, why I feel so different. I'm in daze of confusion of the most part, and I feel like I'm floating from place to place, so unconcious and unaware of everything that is going on around me. Although I've come to terms with the fact that I'm probably not the only person that feels this way, I don't feel like it manifests itself on the outside of anyone else. Making it that much more difficult to understand.