Friday, December 29, 2006

a very good christmas

So far my Christmas holiday home from university has been pretty good. I'm finally getting to enjoy a little bit of California sunshine, which is really nice. I've done some serious shopping and I'm going to continue to do so with my trip to San Fran tomorrow :) But I will admit the fact that I'm a spoiled kid even though I don't live at home anymore. Which for me, is the even scarier part. My parents still buy and do so much for me. I don't really get the feeling that I'm growing up and into my own life. I know I probably shouldn't be complaining because I'm sure there are a lot of university students who would kill to be living the life that I do. But still, I'm going to anyways. How much longer is it going to be before I feel like I'm really an adult?

Saturday, December 23, 2006

the end is near

It's really frightening to think that Christmas comes around so fast every year. It's like as soon as Thanksgiving has come and gone there's some sort of time warp that speeds the later half of the year up. Strange observation, I know. But I can't help but feel like the month of December comes and goes so quickly every year. Yet there are the same number of days and pretty much the same thing happens every year. So what do you do to slow it all down? To digest everything that happens. The gifts. The laughs. The drinks. The drama. And all we're left with is empty hopes for a better next year.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

a new list of goals in life

So I've compiled a more updated list of things I want to accomplish in my life time. Sure most of them are pure self indulgence and self gratifying, but I think that they will all take me to far greater things in my life.

1. Win APHA World Champion in Western Pleasure
2. Get my Undergrad Degree
3. Get my Masters Degree
4. Be a Fortune 500 CEO
5. Get a tattoo
6. Go to South Africa
7. Change someone’s life
8. Educate myself on star gazing
9. Be competitive in Ballroom Dancing
10. Live in New York
11. Live in Europe; possibly Barcelona
12. Be in charge of me
13. Write an autobiography
14. Try to understand life outside of America and why people dream of living here
15. Go to fashion week in Paris

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

back in cali

My dad made an interesting point the other day when we were talking about California. It's a sort of fantasy land where people live in a state of denial. This is fairly applicable to the rest of the states at this point in time, however there is something very different about California. It appears to be overwhelmingly flawless, and people construct a reality which reflects perfection. I mean we have amazing weather here, but it took be leaving the country to figure out that California is about the only place with weather as nice as we have it. And the worst part is that we complain when it even gets the slightest bit below 60 degrees. The rest of the world puts up with significantly worse weather and you don't hear them complaining. Secondly, everyone here is convinced that life right now is good. The economy is great. The Democrats are now in power in Congress. Life is the way it's suppose to be. Wrong again. Gaining the perspective of an outsider the past few months I've come to realize that the US is in the worst state is has been in a very long time. The government is more hush-hush than ever before. The Republicans are selling off public assets. The Democrats are allowing the number of troops in Iraq to be increased. People are struggling with mortgage payments and half the homes in my town are for sale. There is something definitely wrong with the world. Maybe the half-wit Californians will come to terms that they live in a watered-down version of the world soon.

Saturday, December 16, 2006

it's over already?

I can't believe my math exam is now over and done with. And that this time tomorrow night I'll be home in California . . . That's a very strange thought, being home. But Vancouver is my home now. I think this is why I have mixed feelings about going home. I'm not sure I want things to go back to the way they were. I know that's weird but I'm happy with how things presently are. I like the space from everyone and everything in California. It's helped me to be better. And I'm afraid of slipping back into my old ways as soon as I get home. I'm afraid of failing myself because I've come so far. I'm different now, and I don't think I belong back where I came from anymore.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

another day of calculus

All of the this math is making my head spin. Although I really do want to take integral calculus next term, but I know I'll be too busy. Maybe during second year I will. Anyways, I was thinking this morning about how slowly everything happens in real time. I mean it seems like walking around campus or doing math, reality it occurring very slowly. Yet in my mind, all I can seem to synthesize at that moment are things that happened months ago. Maybe it's because I have more perspective on the situation. Or (most probably) because I just can't keep up with everything and this is my way of slowing it all down.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

it's the most stressful time of the year

Yes . . . just attempt to sing the title to that tune. I am out of my element trying to keeping together this week. I really want to be excited about the term being over, but at the same time I'm not quite sure I'm ready to go home just yet. I want to be all game for my math final on Saturday, yet I'm so excited to make plans for after the exam. I really have to try to let all of this go and just focus on math. Because I know that I can get an A on this final. In fact I've never felt to confident doing math before. I know I can. I'm in the zone for this and I am so ready to ace it.

Monday, December 11, 2006

feeling guilt for my selfishness

My dad arrived in town this afternoon (I know, he's visiting again) for the week. It's kind of weird that he's come to see me so many times during the term. I mean it hardly feels like I've been away at University. Especially since he insists on offering his help for calculus. I know I probably sound ungrateful, but I just want to feel like I'm out on my own like I don't always have to have my parents there keeping me afloat. I see so many of my friends here who haven't seen their parents at all since they left home in August, and it makes me sad that I'm selfish enough to outrightly say that I wish my dad didn't visit as often. But I'm going to take it in stride and continue on with the week, remaining composed despite the fact that my math finally is this Saturday.

Saturday, December 09, 2006

how many more days until i can go home?!

So I've had 2 of my 3 finals this past Tuesday. Both of the Art History classes. They went fairly well, but my hand seriously hurt afterwards from all the writing. I then had eleven days until my math final. In fact it is presently one week from today. At first I thought it would be quite nice to have that much time between the exams, so that I could do a lot more studying for math. But now I'm just annoyed because now I have no excuse not to be studying math. Although it seems like I've come up with lots of other things to do. I've organized/cleaned my room more times than I can count. I've written lots of Christmas cards. I've gone Christmas shopping. I've even started swimming again. All things that usually I would see as good, but I know that I'm merely doing them to avoid working on math. Today was different though. I spent a solid two hours revising limits. Much to my surprise I actually remember how to calculate them properly.

Friday, December 08, 2006

inspiration from stange places

For me, a lot of the day to day life is finding inspiration from random objects, images that reside differently in my mind, and the people whom I surround myself in. However, today I decided to browse through photos on and I thought I would post some of my favorites. They are all unique and my favorites for different reasons, but they definitely hold the common thread of whimsical beauty.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

snow in vancouver

 It figures that the year I decide to go to Vancouver for university to avoid the east coast weather, is the same year that Vancouver gets the worst snow storm they've ever seen. It's presently 19 degrees Farhinheit. I'm pretty much frozen over, because it never even gets remotely this cold at home. But I did enjoy my first snow day, as the University was closed due to the snow. Anyhow the weather is suppose to be incredibly cold the next few days and possibly snow again on wednesday. The view from my dorm room is nice though.

Friday, November 24, 2006

what to do, what to do.

Someone said to me the other day, "I'm so glad you're back to being normal." I knew what they were talking about. But I couldn't help but want to still feel weak. And Fragile. And pale. I was downtown to day and a man made eye contact with me, and for the first time ever, I immediately dropped my eyes to the pavement. I never do this. I don't submit like that. And now I feel so broken because I can't even make eye contact with out feeling wrong. I don't know what move to make next or where to turn or how to move. I feel paralyzed in a night that wasn't meant to last. It wasn't meantto manifest itself. Turning me inside out. Not like this.  

Monday, November 13, 2006


This was suppose to be a good weekend. It's a three day weekend. I was (and did) going to finish a term paper. However in a turn of events on Friday night, this has turned into the most humiliating past few days of my entire life (although there have been a few close seconds). I feel vulnerable, and I am not ever vulnerable. I don't know how to be this person. I don't know how I'm suppose to be. And I am so tired of people asking me if I'm okay, because whether or not they know it, I am clearly not. Oh, what have I done?

Thursday, November 02, 2006

my new obsession

'Open Your Eyes' - Snow Patrol
All this feels strange and untrue
And I won't waste a minute without you
My bones ache, my skin feels cold
And I'm getting so tired and so old

The anger swells in my guts
And I won't feel these slices and cuts
I want so much to open your eyes
Cos I need you to look into mine

Tell me that you'll open your eyes

Get up, get out, get away from these liars
Cos they don't get your soul or your fire
Take my hand, knot your fingers through mine
And we'll walk from this dark room for the last time

Every minute from this minute now
We can do what we like anywhere
I want so much to open your eyes
Cos I need you to look into mine

Tell me that you'll open your eyes

All this feels strange and untrue
And I won't waste a minute without you


This song has without a doubt become one of my favorites. It is indescribable how closely I'm able to relate to it. And the music is phenomenal. ♥

Thursday, October 26, 2006

college really isn't as bad a I thought it would be

It's been an interesting week. My parents are flying up for the weekend, so that tosses up the usual a little bit more. It's also been horribly soggy here today. And it's definitely colder than I had ever expected. But for the most part I really like college. I like that fact that I in classes with other people who are chosing to be there as well, enhancing the discussions and the level intellect. I sincerely appreciate this. I love all of the opportunities that are avaliable to me here. Seriously, who would have ever thought that I would have taken up ballroom and had an even remote dedication to it? I certainly didn't. I also enjoy, for the most part, the work and studying that I have to do outside of class. My art history readings are really interesting and I've learned so much from them. And despite common belief, I'm really liking math. I must say though, I'm really looking forward to my classes next term as well because they're going to be really different from what I'm taking this term. Economics is gonna rock my socks.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

half way through the semester

The majority of my midterms are finished now, although I'm still feeling the burden of finals lurking in the future. It's like an evil cycle . . . just like high school. You think you've finally gotten ahead and then you have another arbitrary project to take care of. There's no room for weakness. No room for breathing. No room for being human. Or perhaps that's supposed to be reflected in our learning. I really enjoy all of the classes that I'm taken and hands down, it's for sure better than high school, I just feel like at the bottom of the intellectual food chain again. And it's so hard to wade through the wealth of information that you're given, to figure out the best way to be well versed on a subject without inducing burnout.
On the flip side of things, I'm also faced with being empathetic to every point of view. And so far I feel like I've done a fairly decent job at this. However it doesn't seem to be a two way street. I don't get the same understanding from the opposing parties that I give to them. It's frustrating for me because I really want to have people understand me, whether this is in terms of religious beliefs (or lack there of ) or political affiliation. It's important to be open minded, and when other people are more understanding of you, you in turn, are more receptive to sharing personal opinions.

Friday, October 13, 2006

so far

It's the end of another week here at UBC. It's hard to believe that the month of October is half over already. What's even more freightning, is that the end of the term will be here before I know it. Why does time fly by so quickly? Perhaps it's my perception of time that is askew. I'm never sure which it is. Either way, I want to believe that this experience will reside inside of me for a little bit longer than it took for it all to occur. I've met so many wonderful people and had some truely amazing experiences, which have continued to shape my outlook on life and the world. I especially enjoy hearing from people with different points of view than me. That's what makes us confident in our beliefs, and able to stand on solid ground, when someone dares to challenge what you beleive.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

it's tuesday . . . but it could totally be a monday

It was a long three day weekend, and I'm glad I have school today. I feel that whenever I go without having classes for more than a few days at a time, I begin to feel weird. Like I need to be doing something important. Ha, now there's a thought, that nothing else I do is as important as school. I could ligitimately argue both sides on that one, but I think I'm going to put it to rest now, let everything go, and focus on getting through the day . . . awake.

Friday, October 06, 2006

showing symptoms of ?

ok . . . maybe too long since I last blogged. My life is feeling more complete, especially since the new season of Lost began this week. I'm so enthralled in that show that it's really pathetic. Anyhow, life is getting more hectic . . . midterms, papers, falling behind on reading. I'm sure I'm showing the symptoms of procrastination by now. Nonetheless, I intend on catching up on some serious sleep. I have a plan for getting back on track with my readings, so hopefully all will go as planned. I have a three day weekend so I should get everything done and even squeeze in sometime for review because the week after this is going to be the week from hell.

Friday, September 29, 2006

in between

you know that awkward feeling you get when you in between adapting to a new environment and rejecting it? Like a numbness, when everything thing starts to feel familar, but you aren't ready for it to be your new norm? I feel in limbo right now, somewhere in the middle between. Everything about UBC is feeling all to familar, but I want it to stay strange and untrue, because if it isn't I'd have to own up to the fact that I'm comfortable in a new environment. I don't want to call this place my home. It's not. It isn't California. My horses aren't visible from my bedroom window. The people don't know me like they do at home. Yet i want so badly for all of this to be true.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

the psychotic art project

So I began working on my art today, which is due on Friday. Anyways we got a very strange assignment for this week. In our last class we did an exercise of making marks on the paper, to music. So we listen to a wide range of music and used lots of different media and we were then told to create an abstract landscape using collaged pieces of paper from the marks to music exercise. My initial thoughts were somewhere along the lines of, "How the hell do you make an abstract landscape out of random pencil marks" and "At least this doesn't involve any artistic skill." Firstly, I was quite proud of myself for not procrastinating this week's piece until Thursday night. Secondly, this afternoon, my head was a jumbled mess of thoughts about how bad this piece looks. And finally, when I took a step back and began to logically think things through, I was actually able to create a sense of space and depth with in the piece. To be honest I'm not really sure how I managed to pull this off, but I did, and I'm quite proud of myself.

Monday, September 25, 2006

sleep . . . please!

It's the beginning of another week here at UBC, and the work load is fogging my vision of Friday being in the near future. I feel like I just need to take a day off and sleep for its entirety. My poor sleep habits are finally catching up to me, and it's a bitch. I'm freaking tired right now, and I can't seem to get myself to function.

Saturday, September 23, 2006

. . . and suddenly i'm going nowhere fast.

When I left Caifornia, I left hoping to find something more. More than just another meaningless relationship with a guy. More than just the day to day life that never seemed to change. And more than just activities that I didn't have any deeper connection to other than the surface value. I wanted to find more passion for the things around me that help shape and define me. I wanted to find someone who I actually cared about in more than just a friendly way. And I wanted to see the good in people for once. But I find all of these things hard to come by, as none of them see to come in a clear cut form, and nor do they seem to make any more sense than they did before. In fact, I feel almost more confused about all of these things and I don't want to feel this way any more. Yet it seems to be some evil cycle that re-starts itself no matter where I live. Maybe I need to consider the possiblity that it's something to do with myself, rather than environment in which I live.

a quiet friday night in totem = not good

Even though I've been here in the dorms for about 4 weeks now, I have yet to set foot in a party in residence. But I was looking to change that last night, and knowing how the kids are who live here, I figured it wouldn't be difficult to find a party on a friday night. But after wondering through all of the dorm buildings, I am sad to report that totem was dead last night. But that is all about to change, as tonight is the g.l.o.w market, and people around here have way too much enthusiasm for it. But I'm going to keep an open mind and see how things pan out.

Friday, September 22, 2006

Snow Patrol Concert = ♥

Last night I went to the Snow Patrol concert here in Vancouver and oh my god it was freaking amazing!! In fact, I would venture to say that it could rival the Death Cab concert that I went to last March. They sound exactly like they do on the record, and it was incredible to see how enthralled the band was in their music. It made the concert so much more engaging and just phenomenal. I could believe the quality of the concert, because (as always) I have my doubts about live music. But if they are ever in the area again I'm definately going to see them again.
Other than the concet yesterday, nothing much of great significance has happened to me lately. Although I did manage to get a decent mark on my art piece, and everyone had good things to say about it. So I suppose all the stress and pressure I put on myself was really for no reason.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

A Startling Revelation A Little Too Late

After spending the past week and half complaining, fretting over, and stressing about my visual arts class I finally began my project that is due on friday. And amazingly enough, it has gone surprisingly well which could translate to one of two things. 1. That my drawing skills aren't nearly as bad as I imagined or 2. I should have began working on this project this time last week. I hate to admit to procrastination in this case; however, I don't feel nearly as guilty as I usually would because I'm actually aware of the benefits that I could be experiencing if I had actually followed through on working on this piece last week. It's quite astonishing to me, that perhaps I could actually be okay in this class. Although I think the fear of utter and complete failure is keeping more motivated. Thus I think it's best that I continue to live in a reality where I can't draw in order to work harded in this class. It's really scary to me, that I might stuggle more with a drawing class, than my math class for once.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

A Not So Typical Monday

Often times during my day, I find myself pondering ideas that are totally incomprehensible. Although it seems too often my train of thought gets interrupted by the most random things going on around me. On this occasion though, it was a totally different thought that moved me to a river of randomness. I was sitting at Starbucks this afternoon studying math, fretting over a quiz I had to take later in the day, and most of all enjoying my chai latte. Despite my usual manner of conduct in studying, which includes lingering of subject and on to things that don't really matter, I managed to actually get something done (at least for the first hour and a half). However, when I got up to leave for math class, I was trying to recall some the details from my trip to Europe this past summer and I was shocked to find how little actually I remember visually without a picture in front of me. But more startling than that, I couldn't for the life of me remember the name of the British bloke that I met. I suppose it's all through association, but I couldn't believe my thoughts about Vatican artwork managed to lead to the bad recollections of my one night stand. I suppose it's like forgetting that name the brand of shoes that I'm wearing on any given day, it's just something that doesn't happen to me. And in fact it mad me feel quite senile. Then again, maybe it was sort of a pre-censored thought due to the nature of the content.

Sunday, September 17, 2006

Reflection on Recent Events

I've heard it before, the cliche of college being a place where you find yourself. In fact I'm convinced that the only thing you find at college, is a bunch of overly excited teenagers looking to hook up with anyone who will say yes. I find it difficult to understand. Why do people get so out of control when they leave home for the first time? I guess because I haven't reacted in the same way, I obviously find it much more difficult to get, but nonetheless, I don't feel like the same girl that I was back home a month ago. I'm not out doing out of control, teenager activites that I was before. I'm not out the whole weekend with friends. I'm not sure what element about being here has changed me so much. Or for that matter, why I feel so different. I'm in daze of confusion of the most part, and I feel like I'm floating from place to place, so unconcious and unaware of everything that is going on around me. Although I've come to terms with the fact that I'm probably not the only person that feels this way, I don't feel like it manifests itself on the outside of anyone else. Making it that much more difficult to understand.